Getting Used To IT: Nobody Warned Him About Menopause. Not Even Me.

Your partner watched you change — the heat, the fog, the mood, the dryness — and had no idea what was happening. But here's the uncomfortable part: neither did you, really. Not fully. Not at first.

Suzee and Beth get into the strange reality that menopause is still something women are expected to announce — like it's news, like you scheduled it — to partners who grew up watching their own fathers say nothing, in a world that barely studied it at all. Nobody warned him. But nobody really warned you either.

And now somehow it's on you to hand him the map you're still reading yourself.

Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Getting Used To It!
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Transcript

Why Men Don’t Know Menopause

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hey Susie. What are we getting used to today? So much. There's so much to get used to. But today, guys not knowing about the menopause. What do I guys? It's basically guys. Yeah. I was just gonna say partners, but no. I mean if your partner is a a woman, then you know, she might know about this. Maybe. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

Or be in like that period that you're in.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

Oh, that I'm in. Correct.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

Your period and I'm post.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Yes. Yeah. Um, I wish they would call it post, menopause or something, mena stop, because you've not paused.

SPEAKER_02 0:46

Well, they call it post. You can say you're postmenopausal. Although you're still in menopause if you're post, for it's my understanding.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

You know, actually, why do they call it pause? Do they actually mean the word pause? Is this a Greek medical term?

SPEAKER_02 1:07

Should we get our producer right there to look pause up while we carry on the game? Producer. Yeah. Look that up. Why we call it menopause. Thank you. Yep. Our producer's name is Google. So moving right along. Um here's what we're talking about today. The moment you realized your partner. Yeah. And in our in our situations, we're like cisgender in um heterosexual relationships. I'm talking about my partner when I real when he realized, or did he ever realize, or did he know that I was going into menopause?

SPEAKER_01 1:48

Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's such a great question for him. Hey, did you know? Do you even know?

SPEAKER_02 1:55

I wonder.

unknown 1:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:57

Because guess what? We never talked about it. Like it was never, I mean, perhaps we've side-glanced, spoken about it, but we've never like actually sat down and gone.

Perimenopause Denial And Dryness Talk

SPEAKER_02 2:10

So, hey, I looked at the hormone evaluation today and I wanted to let you know I am officially in perimenopause.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

Now, for me, I say it all the time. Like I say it to my kids know. I'm like, I think this is happening because I'm in perimenopause. I don't know. It's my excuse for everything, I think. Maybe that's why I'm doing it. I like it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:35

Um I can't remember back to Perry, but I wasn't, but as we talked about on another show, I was in Perry Denial, remember? Right. I was like, this isn't gonna happen to me. I hear it's happening to everybody else. This isn't gonna happen to me. I kind of might be in that too.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I might be a little bit. I'm starting to notice things. I'm like, no, so it's not gonna happen to me. Like just the dryness below. The vaginal dryness is starting to happen.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

Dryness below.

SPEAKER_01 3:06

Blue.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

Below what? Below the southern contour.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

Southern region. The southern area is supposed to be damp. Okay. And a rainforest, it's not raining. Oh my gosh. Rainforest. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_02 3:23

Um, okay, so you're saying uh like your vag is dry.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

My vag is drying out. Mine is a little sahari desert. Sahara, I think it is. Sahara. I was thinking safari as well.

SPEAKER_02 3:42

No wild animals going on down there, but yes. Oh, that's actually pretty cool.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Maybe you should go tell the husband about that. Um, but yes, you know, it's it's it's interesting, like you know, how much we talk about it, who we talk about it with and stuff. But you know, guys don't actually seem to go out and ask or research. I mean, are there guys out there that's researching for their spouses?

SPEAKER_02 4:07

I mean, you gotta know absolutely no. No, I know. I I I think there probably are some. Just I mean, how could there not be? Obviously, you delicious men, let us know, please. Um, and then there are those that are just on a need to know. It yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

And it's it's a need to know and it's not being malicious, maybe a little clueless, right? I don't know if that's worse or not, but also they don't listen, we're all just learning about this process now for ourselves, too, because as Stacey Sims says, we're not little men. So we thought we had knowledge about it, but we're getting more knowledge about it. So we're even learning more clearly what this whole thing is. So if we don't know, they really don't know. And and and it's so not well studied, it has not been well studied. It hasn't been, yeah. Thank goodness we're in the era that it's being studied more. And I have to say, Beth, you know, because I have more newer

Hormone Therapy Fear And New Evidence

SPEAKER_01 5:10

information going into this than you did. For sure.

SPEAKER_02 5:13

So gosh, I came about in that time frame. I came about in the turn of the century. No, um, when I went into menopause, which I think I was around 55, it was that time where people were like not on, um, they were not using menopausal hormone treatments.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

Hmm. Right.

SPEAKER_02 5:36

Isn't that what the study said to do? Not use it. Right. Because estrogen causes, you know, cancer, right? Breast cancer specifically, I think, or uh perhaps ovarian as well. Um, so no, I didn't. And I remember I had one friend that was like, you should go take it. No, they're saying that you can now. And I was like, I don't believe it. I don't know why I thought that.

SPEAKER_01 5:59

Because it was new.

SPEAKER_02 6:01

She was right though.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we really didn't have to. Who was that? She was it me? Because I want to be right. It wasn't me. It was another friend.

unknown 6:11

Darn it.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

All right, fine. Well, but yeah, and that is the newer study, right? To be on hormones earlier, not later.

SPEAKER_02 6:20

Um, I heard this amazing. I don't know if I forwarded you this podcast with Kelly, Dr. Kelly Kasperson. She really sealed it for me, and I was like, get me to the hormones. Um, and uh she's a urologist. Maybe I think it's a gyno your gyneurologist. Oh my god, this is gonna sound like I have no idea. And I didn't plan to bring it up. So again, producer, let's look up her um that information, her background. Yeah, yeah. Anyways, she's a doctor.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

Her first name's doctor.

SPEAKER_02 6:59

No, her name's Dr. Kelly Kasperson. Anyways, uh, one of the things she said, which really struck me, is you know, men, you know, if you break a bone, you repair it. We don't when your hormones run out, what? That's it. You know, we're living past our hormones. You know, our lives are longer and we're living past our hormonal lives. So what are we supposed to do? Now what? That's limp around with our broken hormone system. Why are you limping?

SPEAKER_01 7:36

I've got broken hormones.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

This one's in a cast. My hormone. Oh my god, my hormones die. We're at a funeral last week for it. I'm on empty. Yes. Oh my god. Yes. So now I'm off track. What are we talking about?

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

Anyway, speaking of little hormones in cats, sorry, I almost snorted.

SPEAKER_02 8:06

Um, yeah, I mean, so back to the topic at hand, which is you know how our partners uh maybe didn't and don't know much about questions. Right. Come with questions about it, about menopause, um, or and don't know much about it. Um yeah. I think I'll see them.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

So I was just thinking if we really, and I said this just a little while ago, but if we don't really have a framework about it, then they don't either. If we don't know much about it now, then they know less, right? But you know, I think that it is up to us to probably educate them and let them know what's going on because it is our bodies too, and because this is kind of a new playing

Hot Flashes And The Partner Blind Spot

SPEAKER_01 8:55

field in a way, with more and more people talking about it. So I had one of my husband's friends actually come up to me and say, Man, the the menopause is real, like it's a lot of stuff y'all have to go through. I'm like, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 9:10

And he's why did he tell you and not his wife?

SPEAKER_01 9:13

I think he probably did. He probably learned from his wife, right? So, but he it was I can't remember what we were talking about, but I was oh my gosh, thank you so much for saying that. So I feel like it's getting out there more people or talking about understanding just what we go through. And the truth is we don't even know when we're when we're going through it because that shift from just having PMS to then perimenopause seems drastic, but all yeah, to menopause seems gradual and all of a sudden at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 9:46

Yeah, yeah. Um, and I when I say I haven't spoken to my husband about it, that's not completely true because I probably do say like menopause, blah, blah, blah, or that's because of menopause. But what we didn't have is like, hey, I'm going through this, and this is what that could look like. Right. You know, instead, I think what he's experienced is like I previously stated, and then also moments where I'm like, is it 80 in the house right now? I'm so hot. And he'll say, No, it's it's you. And no, no, no, no, no. If it's hot, you have to go with me. My internal temperature. We have to turn the air on.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

It's clearly the AC is broken. Something's wrong right now. Did you just turn the heat on? Yeah, you know what? Honestly, like I I went through a moment of feeling those hot flashes, and I say a moment, and I don't know if being on testosterone helped that, but I've noticed that I don't go through that too much anymore periodically, maybe before I have my period, but not like what I was doing before. So which has been a pleasant effect.

SPEAKER_02 10:58

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um I would say um I never had the kind of pot flash where I broke out in a sweat. I just felt so hot. Yes. You know, like, and it was as if a as if you did turn the heat up 10 degrees.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 11:17

You know, and immediate, not overtime. You know, yeah. So uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

Yeah, which is confusing to us. And then if we're not saying anything about it as well, you know, often saying, speaking up, complaining, yeah. Spouses don't know.

unknown 11:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:36

And even when I was complaining about the heat, I don't, you know, we didn't like draw, zoom out, and go for the macro picture. This is just a symptom of menopause. And you know, partially I'm in it. And it's hard, you know, I was in it, and it was hard to be like, oh, this is what's happening, and have distance when I'm experiencing it.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Yes. You know, day 45. On day 45, this it kind of reminds me of those um books when you get when you're pregnant, and then you get those books. And at 23 weeks, this is what happened.

SPEAKER_02 12:11

We just don't have yeah, have something pregnancy as as soon as I got to a scary part in this book, in that book, you know, yeah, about having a baby. I forgot what's in it. It's a scary part of it. Everyone gets it. As soon as I got to this scary part, I was like, and I'm done with this book. I don't want to know what was the scary part. And maybe, you know, it was like some danger, danger, you know, not that that's right. Don't eat cheese kind of thing. It can happen. It was not don't eat cheese. It wasn't about listeria, but it was like something happening to the baby in your utero. And I was like, I'm done, I'm done. I need to anymore.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

Don't need that.

SPEAKER_02 12:49

Gotta gotta glide along.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

Okay, so we don't need that even with menopause. We don't need to know the

How We Teach Partners What’s Happening

SPEAKER_01 12:55

bar.

SPEAKER_02 12:55

Yeah, yeah. We don't need to know the walls are firming. Oh god, no.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

Oh, maybe I didn't know that. Sh Beth. So now you do. Also, our dads didn't know anything. Can you imagine? I mean, for you, sorry.

SPEAKER_02 13:12

Yes. No, no, my dad was alive, but uh, but my parents weren't together. But he was with people with women, and they probably were, but it's not anything he ever spoke with me about. Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

Well, I wonder if he was even speaking to them about it. They were probably not speaking to him about it. It was a different time, it was a different time. So then, if our husbands were growing up watching that, they don't know, right, how to navigate. I wonder how our dads actually navigated around that. I'm very curious.

SPEAKER_02 13:44

Are you gonna go ask your dad?

SPEAKER_01 13:46

I kind of want to. Okay, come back and tell us.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

Yeah, make a note, producer.

SPEAKER_01 13:51

Um poor producer has so much work to do. And then even society, right? Just it's only just now changing, I feel.

SPEAKER_02 14:02

Yeah, I feel like it's very out and about right now, which is great. And you know, it seems like uh more there are more um doctors, you know, focusing on menopause treatment. There are more treatments, there are more, there's more access. Yes, you know, and it's not just this woman's issue.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

It's like, hey, yeah, this is what happened to happens to some of the humans on this planet.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

I mean, I think there's probably still resistance, I would imagine. Some doctors probably still feel like oh, well, you know, I don't know. Do you really need it? You know, yes, by the way, we do.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Yeah. Probably because it is still kind of new and they are resistant and um stuck in their ways, maybe.

SPEAKER_02 14:48

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was five years with nothing, no hormones. Yeah, white knuckling people. So about the yeah, yeah. Or the people. It was like a little meh. Um, I wasn't, yeah. I've never been in a bad mood. I was just in a meh mood all the time.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

Right. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 15:13

I think that was like the first thing that made me feel like not down, not up, just yeah, everything's fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. No up or down.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

Really? Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah. I wonder if your husband noticed any kind of change like that in you. Yeah, I don't know. Even if it was subtle.

SPEAKER_02 15:33

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I'll have to I'll ask him. Um I know you were playing with feet, huh? What about you?

SPEAKER_01 15:42

I was just gonna say for me, I kind of noticed um when I do hit the whole PMS every once in a while, not every month, but my lows are pretty low. Really? I can

Instagram Menopause Lessons And Brain Glitches

SPEAKER_01 15:55

go, I can't. I'm like, this is very different. Yeah. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:00

Yeah. Well, I mean, of course I felt that way when I was menstruating as well. Um, but since I haven't been menstruating, oh, you didn't since I haven't been a menstruating woman for quite a while now. Um, I just thought, oh wow, I'm just okay. Like, I'm so okay. And I think I mentioned to you, it wasn't until I was at a party with someone who said, I realized I just felt kind of like no high, no low. And I was like, wait, that's me. And and my friend was like, Yeah. So I I thought, this is my hormones. I was like, Oh, well, clearly I'm slow because I didn't figure that out.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

Well, that's what I love. You know, that everyone's talking about it more because there are so many different kinds of symptoms, and there are husbands are willing to be open and be like, oh, okay, that's what's going on, and like not just kind of write you off. Hopefully, no dudes, don't do that. You know, then you can really set your husbands up for like, hey, this is what's happening, you know, I'm trying really hard to maintain or whatever, but it's also really it's hard when you've got something else taking over your system.

SPEAKER_02 17:12

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I I know we talked about like, do we educate them or or do we not? I mean, obviously, we do have to educate them, like that is our knock-on effect of who we are as as women and our impact in the world. Like, we educate them, they educate someone else. That someone else gets educated, and that's how you know it um goes. We make for but we make for a better world, you know. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

And I have to say, I think this is one of the reasons why I like Instagram reels, because my husband he loves those reels, and he's like, Oh, guess what? I learned about menopause. Is this true? So he'll come and ask me. So I I do I do like it for that.

SPEAKER_02 17:57

Oh, should I go watch a walk up to my husband's phone and go open the Instagram and go menopause? Menopause, menopause. Are you listening? Menopause is there anything about menopause in here?

SPEAKER_01 18:07

I think you only need to get no more kittens, no more kittens, no more kittens, no more cute kittens, no more kittens, just menopause, baby, just menopause.

SPEAKER_02 18:18

I you know, I don't know much about andropause, so you know, that's interesting too.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

I'm so glad you just brought that up because I was thinking about that before we started recording. Because it does my husband have dementia or is he going through like a bit of a menopause, right? So what because he's eight years older than I am, and so his pause situations, whatever, was happening before mine. He's like, Well, I just am having this issue with remembering, like I kind of glitch, and now that I'm on this side of it, I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm feeling that now too. I totally glitch with these simple words or my thought, it just stops because I'm searching for that word and it's an easy one, and yet it's gone. I've never done that before.

SPEAKER_02 19:11

Yeah, I know. Welcome to the club. What's your name again? So, yes, it is our job to teach them, I think.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

Yeah, I think do they? Do they go through stuff too? Do they go through the pause?

SPEAKER_02 19:28

Yeah, I mean, they definitely go, they must go through something. Their hormones change. If our hormones change, we're going through something.

SPEAKER_01 19:34

Yeah.

Andropause Curiosity And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_01 19:35

You know, I'm imagining that they've got to f have some kind of hormonal change too as they age. So I mean, the truth is we're all getting used to this together.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

We are.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

Is that what's happening?

SPEAKER_02 19:50

That is what's happening. Um getting used to it.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

And thanks for joining us trying to get used to it together. Bye y'all.

SPEAKER_02 20:07

See ya Susie.