Getting used to it, Midlife

Getting Used To It: I’m Watching My Parents Fade And I Don’t Know What I Am Supposed To Feel

• Beth & Suzee • Season 3 • Episode 4

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What do you do when your parents aren't dying, but they're not really living either? And worse—what do you do with the guilty thought: when will this be over?

Suzee's parents are in their 80s, healthy enough, but they've stopped doing anything. Just sitting. Watching YouTube. Existing. And watching it is surprisingly unbearable. But as Beth pushes, something harder emerges: Is Suzee worried about them, or uncomfortable that they've chosen stillness when she needs them to keep going?

Beth counters with her own difficult truth: she lost both parents young and admits there's a jealousy hearing friends complain about their boring, healthy parents. At least they're still here to be boring.

The conversation lands on an impossible question: How do you stay connected to parents who are choosing to disconnect? How do you grieve someone still alive but already kind of... gone?

There's no resolution because there isn't one. We end where we started—in the question. Whether you're frustrated by your parents' choices or mourning the ones you've lost, this won't fix it. But you're not alone in not having it figured out. We're all just getting used to it.

Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Getting Used To It!
If you enjoyed today’s conversation, please consider subscribing, rating, and leaving us a review—it helps others discover the show! We’d also love to hear your thoughts, so drop us a comment or connect with us on social media.

Stay connected, stay curious, and we’ll see you next time!

SPEAKER_00:

Hi, and welcome to Getting Used to It. We're Susie and Beth, two life coaches in the thick of midlife ourselves, where everything's a little weird, occasionally hilarious, and a lot unexpected.

SPEAKER_01:

If you're wondering whether you're the only one Googling hobbies for adults, wrankling emptiness, and dealing with shifting hormones, you are not alone. We're here to navigate this wild chapter of life with you. So let's go. Hi, um, Beth Helper here with you, co-host of Getting Used to It with Susie. Susie, how are you doing today? Oh, I'm doing pretty good. Amazing. We're practicing not stepping on each other here. Um, today on the podcast, we are talking about um parents, our parents specifically, and um watching them age through to the end of their lives. And um Susie's gonna jump us off. She has um some aging parents. And um, yeah, Susie, take it away.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you know, it's it's a weird space because, you know, like the title says, I'm not sure if we're using this as a title, but they're not dead yet, right? They're in their 80s. My mom is 80, 80, no, my dad is 84, my mom is 81. Um, but they're not doing much, they're not dying, they're just out also not living. They've done a lot of travel in their lives. Um, maybe about somewhere between five to ten years ago, they stopped because they're they were tired of it. But with that, they stopped a lot of things. And my dad, he's they're both in this strange limbo where my dad might go putting once a week. Otherwise, he tells us he's going somewhere, he just won't tell us where he's going, which I believe it's CVS, runs an errand or two, comes back, sits in his chair, and watches YouTube for the rest of the day until it's bedtime. And then the process starts all over again. And then my mom, who does a little bit more, it's still not a lot. She keeps her hands busy by maybe crocheting something, but she'll do her ladies' golf. Again, sounds like a lot, but it's this is just maybe for someone who's 81, but then that's it. And then sitting, and then she'll get up to cook something, and that's her main doing. Um, and it's weird. Again, it's a weird limbo. They're not suffering, they're just not doing anything, and it's interesting to watch and to be a part of because uh it's hard to say, but they're old guys, and then you're wondering are they gonna die soon? Is this the is this the rest of their lives? Is you know, if they live another 10 years, this is it. This is what they're gonna do for 10 more years, like and they don't want to do anything else. We've asked them, they don't travel, they don't even want to get in the car to go anywhere, really. So it's a weird space.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I mean, I hear mostly it's weird for you. I wonder if it is weird for them. And I also wonder question. Yeah, I mean, what is what comes to my mind is, and if you don't mind like sidebarring on this, but like what is your expectation for these years for them, and how would you want to do it differently? You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's a great question. I wish so. If I had what I wanted, they would just be doing sort of activity. They don't have to come to Florida, but it would be lovely, right? Um, to be in my home, um, which they haven't really done a lot of. I think what would make me feel most comfortable in the end, I'm like, wait a minute, is this about me? Um, is just watching them do stuff, honestly. It's hard to watch them just sit on the couch majority of the day. You know, but maybe that is all that they want to do.

SPEAKER_01:

I know that's what I was saying. Great question, like I totally get it. I and we'll get to my story, but my parents did not live to this this age range into their 80s, but I saw my father-in-law, um, who did, he lived to 97, do a lot of sitting and watching, you know, at a certain point.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep.

SPEAKER_01:

And I guess, and I and and I think at the time, you know, I felt like, don't you wanna like come s come down here, come here, come, you know, we live on the West Coast, he lived in the Midwest. Um, and I mean, now that I'm older, um, and time has passed and you know things have changed and I know more and etc. I start to think like, well, what if they don't what if they don't want to? What if they did all the stuff? They they got you and your brother to all your things, they worked their asses off, they you know, immigrated here. I mean, they speak two languages, they played sports themselves, they traveled, etc. I mean do they get are they allowed a break?

SPEAKER_00:

No, because I'm uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_01:

I just wonder, you know, because I yeah, I see both sides.

SPEAKER_00:

I really do see both sides. Absolutely, and it's funny. So um my husband, he's lost both of his parents. When um his mom died of a heart attack, heart uh can't speak, heart attack at 70. So she was quasi young, they were still active and doing things. Um, and then his father recently died, and that was a slow progression to his final days, right? He was 87 when he passed, and he could just do less and less and less. And then he had a fall, and that that just basically, yeah, sped his death time lineup. Um, and now it, you know, I don't want to compare them, but it was interesting how he really wanted to go through do things he just couldn't, um, and where my parents can do things, but they just don't. So it's it's funny, but in the end, and really quickly at the top of this podcast, I'm realizing this is more about my my my issues being uncomfortable, uncomfortable. I didn't think we'd figure this out for me so quickly, but yeah, it is, and it's because I feel bad. What do you feel bad about? I honestly think my mom wants to do more, my dad doesn't.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, fair.

SPEAKER_00:

So then she feels stuck at home because she has to take care of him. So then I feel bad for her. And that's been kind of the way they've been most of their lives. And I feel like this is not just my parents. I feel like this is like this is uh happens to a lot of people where the one wants to travel and the one doesn't, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, this is the first time hearing that she's been complaining about it because we started with Europe that they don't do much.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, well, I just really maybe she wants to do more. Maybe she does want to do more. Yeah, because I I forgot about it until we just started talking about that. She does complain about that. So um that'd be interesting to really get the answer. And if she really does want to do something, let's then let's do something about that. Yeah, um, but yeah, um, you know, where I feel bad again, it's for me, it's so selfish. This is a Susie podcast. It's a carry on, Susie podcast before we get to the Beth Beth podcast. But I feel terrible because I'm wondering when does this end? So you're feeling guilty about it. Yeah. Yeah. And we felt that way with Philip's father as well. It's like, wow, it's getting harder and harder. He's getting worse and worse. How long, how much longer of this? For not just for us, but for him as well to see him suffering in that. But again, my parents aren't suffering per se, but it's just a lot of nothing all the time. It's like, wow. But in the end, if they're okay with that, I should just like chill the fuck out.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I mean, have you? I mean, I just excuse my coaching.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know, please ask. You know what? I have, but that was a little while ago. That was also probably about five to ten years ago. I feel like it was about, yeah, five, six years ago. I asked all those questions because I wanted to know if they wanted to be in assisted living, if they wanted to um like what they really wanted to do at end of life, right? Um, and if they were gonna want to travel, et cetera, et cetera. But you know, I don't think that they could have imagined truly what it was gonna be like for them because they really did think assisted living and they thought they had found the place and stuff. Now they do not want to move at all from their building. So um things change. You know, we could design as much as we want to, but then we get to that of course spot, right? Things can pivot. Um, but yes, at that time they didn't, they did all their traveling, they didn't want to go anywhere, they were tired of it. Um, I mean, they've been to a lot of pl places Thailand, Korea, Japan, Europe, Costa Rica. They had been to a lot of places. Um, I just keep hearing my the inner voice saying, Susie, calm down.

SPEAKER_01:

So something I think about, something I think about is um, I mean, this is like a real life phenomenon for so many people out there, right? I mean, people are going through this, but I do think um, one, having a conversation with them, but then two, something, you know, that we talk about with our clients all the time who and I especially see this with um people in grief, you know, like my my my sister, my parent, my friend is in grief, but they won't go get help. And and what do we say as coaches? Like you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. So if your dad's world is that chair in YouTube, then that's you could present all the hey dad, why don't you get out of it all day long? Yeah, that who's gonna be frustrated? You and you're gonna be frustrated with your relationship with them as well.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep, it's very true. And I really believe that's all he wants to do. And the more we talk about this, I'm realizing really the feel bad is about my mom. Because she feels, you know, I mean she's doing it to herself, but she is saying she's stuck and that she can't, and she basically won't, really, in the end, right? But like you're saying, in the end, it's really their choice. And I don't know if I ever mentioned this on this podcast, but um, I am writing a book about their life, their lives when they were younger, and a lot of that has gotten them thinking and talking and doing something new. So I feel good about that, and that's how I can contribute, and then um stop worrying.

SPEAKER_01:

Stop worrying, Susie. I mean, and then that like I uh I I do have ideas for you and other people. I'm like, oh well, why don't you like if if you have the money, you could go there every couple of months.

SPEAKER_00:

That's when they go out to Denny's with us and do the things norms, yeah. You know, those are the things Olive Garden, they're like, ooh, fancy, let's do Olive Garden. I'm like, oh fantastic, let's do that. Yeah, but it's still hard to watch. And honestly, the the hard part too, as I was just thinking about that, is actually seeing them get old, like physically, starting to crumble forward, right? Actually not being able to move like they used to. Of course, this was gonna happen, but yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And then I mean, I think about my one of the things I think about my father-in-law and travel was at a certain point it just was more comfortable, and I don't even mean physically, but maybe it was that. And I like I said to you, he lived in '97, and probably the last five years of his life he was in in a nursing care facility falls. If you fall, that's just I don't know what we have to do to make our feet better so that that doesn't happen.

SPEAKER_00:

But like my father-in-law, too. He fell and then that was it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that was it. But I do remember the even the 10 years before he fell, and just not wanting to go anywhere, just wanting everybody to come to him. It was more comfortable. He was more of an introverted guy, he wasn't a guy that had long conversations, you know, his wife had passed away.

SPEAKER_00:

He, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was slowly heading that way anyway.

SPEAKER_01:

So yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And you know, I know you're gonna say not to feel terrible, but about your story and your parents, I can't help but feel terrible thinking about just how you've lost them too. And I I do feel grateful to have this time with my parents too.

SPEAKER_01:

I know you do. For sure. I know you do.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, but obviously, yeah. I mean, yeah, Beth, I'll I'll let you talk about your parents, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I mean, obviously you want your parents to live a long and healthy life. There's no question about that. You just what I hear from you is you want it to be rich for them, yes, you know, in their in their last decades, however long they may be here on the planet. So of course, my parents died young and abrupt one of them kind of abruptly. So I didn't I haven't, you know, I don't have that luxury of you know of being annoyed with them for like not bathing. Or gee dad, the towels are crusty, and that's kind of gross. You know, I think my dad at this point, he died in 2009, so I don't know, he's probably like 82 by now, 83. He would have been, and my mom would have been, I don't know, like 82, 81, something like that. Um, if she had lived to up to today. Um, yeah, I mean, I saw a bit of that with my grandparents, so I do know a little bit about that um stuff, but and you know, it's hard, it's boring. I remember that. I remember visiting my grandfather, having nothing to talk about, and you know, do do do do do, or hearing the same stories 1200 times. Um, how would I feel right now? I mean, of course, you know, so much has happened actually in my life since I passed away. I you know, had a child. I mean, my dad knew my daughter up until she was three. And really quickly, sorry, sorry to interrupt, but your mom passed away, how again? I don't think you said Oh, she died in 1996. So cancer. Yeah. Yeah, of cancer, yeah. So like 30, almost 30 years ago. Um, but yeah, uh, it would have been nice to have them around. I don't know what it would have been like, you know. I'm sure some of it would have been amazing, and I'm sure some of it would have been hard, and I'll never know. You know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Um in a different sort of way, you did have to watch your mom die.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I did. Yeah. She got cancer and it was pretty far along, and there was about nine months of um where she was, you know, in and out of hospital and different chemos and different surgeries and it was an old coaster. I was thirty, thirty-two, maybe. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

That sucked. And did you have your daughter at that time too? No.

SPEAKER_01:

She's 30. Right, you were 30 years ago. No. Right, right. I wasn't a parent. I was just kind of really getting into my music business career. Um, you know, and she and I had been a little bit on the outs, and we were just coming back together when it when she got cancer.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, actually, that's great that you were coming back together.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. Um, not easy stuff in any way. Would have wished it to be different. Um, I always felt like with my dad, you know, I used to say to him, I'll build a ramp in my around. Well, I'm the house that I live in is on stilts. And I was like, and my dad would always say, like, there's another floor, and I go, Yeah, I can build a ramp, and and then you can be, you can live down there in your wheelchair. And he was like, I am not dying that way. That is not my vision. Yeah. And, you know, I think about it, you know, he he died from a an aneurysm. I'm sure that wasn't his vision either, but you know, he died within a couple of days of it bursting, and so he kind of got what he wanted.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And honestly, when I do talk to my parents about that, that's what they're hoping as well, too. Yeah. So something quick. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Um it was hard to see my father-in-law just be in a nursing home for five years, just lay laying there, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. He didn't like that either.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's what we saw with my father-in-law too. That was hard. Yeah. Um, yeah. And, you know, it's silly, but um, of course, do you this is kind of like one of these woo-woo questions, but do you feel like they're still with you? Do you still have any of their like, oh, dad would love this, mom would like that. Hey, mom.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, I don't feel like it's funny, I've talked to some friends of mine about it who do have like vision, not maybe not visions, but like signs. And I feel like I never have any signs once I had a sign. Um but not very much. Not very much. And I really wish from I really would like to be connected to my mom. Why? Because my because my dad and I got to um flesh out our relationship in a better way because he died when I was older.

SPEAKER_00:

Right.

SPEAKER_01:

But my mom and I did not, and so I feel the most distant from her, you know. So I really would love to have her show up somehow.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, that's great advertisement for talk to your parents now, flush it out now if you can. Yeah, if it's possible, and you're in a place where you can have a good conversation with your parents, that would be a great thing to do right now. And that's what I'm thinking of. Okay, so what else is left that's unsaid that I might need to go um talk about with my parents?

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely. This yeah, this would be great to fill these days of theirs.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. Um, and one last question for you, just because I'm wondering what's what what do you miss most about your dad?

SPEAKER_01:

About my dad? Yeah. I think the thing that uh this chokes me up, but the the the thing that that that I miss most is the relationship that you know that my daughter didn't get to have with him.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Because she had no grandparents. I mean her he died when she was three. And he while I don't know that I appreciated this when I was would have been a child, going to museums and like doing things like that, which is what like he I did a lot of with him, or you know, being outside a lot when all I wanted to do was watch television, or like um going camping, or you know, he was very, you know, he could like fix anything, like all those things that I didn't maybe appreciate about him, I wish she could have had, you know. I you know, that she could have had the experience of having a grandparent like that, who literally until the day he died, was like that. He was not in decline in any way, right? You know, right, like would have he my dad had all these amazing hobbies, you know, like he he he flew airplanes and gliders and sailed. It was cool, you know, and he she would have been able to go, like he would have insisted those things you know happened.

SPEAKER_00:

And then what about your what about your mom?

SPEAKER_01:

Uh I I just don't remember her and you know, enough.

SPEAKER_00:

Wow, and I wish I had that still 30s, but you still don't have that memory, huh? That's interesting, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and I asked I mean I do and I don't, you know, like I didn't get enough.

SPEAKER_00:

Right, right. So yeah. Well, I wanted to ask you that because for those of us with parents living, it's nice to hear the simple things that you miss. Yeah, you know, and then just to cherish that for those of us with our parents. But absolutely, yeah, get soaked in more of that. Yeah. Oh, Bethy.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh I'm okay, Susie. I'm okay. Okay, yeah, it's been a long time, but you know, grief. Um grief is not linear.

SPEAKER_00:

Grief is not linear. And it it's weird how we can start grieving when they're still alive, because you know what anticipatory grief, anticipatory. Anticipatory grief. Yeah, that's a that's a real thing. Yeah, so you know, I want to just say if you're waiting for your parents to die, even when they're not dying, like me, you're not a monster. And like Beth, if you lost your parents and wish you had more time, even boring time, you're not ungrateful. And it's just what it costs to love people who don't last forever. I'm assuming human beings. Yeah, and it's all terrible, and we're all allowed to say so. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, life has a period at the end of it, you know. Yeah, it does. Make the most of it, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep, 100,000 percent. Yeah. Well, thank you all so much for joining us on this conversation, and we will talk to you next time.

SPEAKER_01:

Thanks for listening. Hey, you made it to the end. If this conversation made you feel a little less alone in the midlife chaos, we'd love to hear about it. Head on over to Apple Podcasts or Spotify and leave us a rating and review. Tell us which episode hit home, or just let us know you're out there getting used to it too.

SPEAKER_00:

Your reviews help other people find us, and honestly, reading them reminds us why we're doing this because we're all figuring this out together. So thanks for listening, fellow midlife travelers, and thanks for getting used to it right along with us. Thanks for hanging out with us on Getting Used to It. If today made you laugh, think, or just feel a little less alone, then we've done our job. See you next time. Because if we're getting used to it, you can too.