Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used to It, Midlife is a show hosted by two executive life coaches, Beth & Suzee, who are also expert friends and are both getting used to midlife. From empty nesting and aging parents to painful sex, and let’s not forget the extra lubrication, we will sift through all of it, speaking our truth faithfully and vulnerably. Listen as we live through this in ourselves and our relationships in real time and tease through the “how to” of this next phase of life. As coaches, we have the tools, but as women in the middle, we may not have all the answers. Scratch that— we’ll have some damn good ideas, too. Join us, and let’s get used to it together!
Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used To It: His Panic Attacks My Peace: When Anxiety Is Contagious
You know that feeling when your partner walks in stressed and your body knows before they even speak? That chest-tightening dread that feels like being pulled into a riptide? That's anxiety contagion—and it might be ruining your week. Suzee's husband spirals about money. Even though she does the budget and knows they're fine, his panic hijacks her. Two days of crisis mode later, she proves they're okay. He's instantly fine. She's wrung out and resentful. Beth's version is different: total contraction. When her partner announced they needed to cut spending by 40% at Christmas, she froze. No Target for two months. Dish soap guilt. Different response, same trap.
The impossible question: What happens when NOT getting on the anxiety train makes things worse? When boundaries get you accused of not caring? There's no answer here. Just two women admitting they're still figuring out how to love someone without drowning in their fear. If you're exhausted from being Command Central for everyone's emotions, this won't solve it. But you're not alone.
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Hi, and welcome to Getting Used to It. We're Susie and Beth, two life coaches in the thick of midlife ourselves, where everything's a little weird, occasionally hilarious, and a lot unexpected.
SPEAKER_01:If you're wondering whether you're the only one Googling hobbies for adults, wrankling, emptiness, and dealing with shifting hormones, you are not alone. We're here to navigate this wild chapter of life with you. So let's go. You know that moment when your partner walks in stressed, and before they even speak, your body already knows, ugh, I can feel it. That chest tightening, stomach dropping dread that feels like being pulled into a riptide. Well, today we're talking about why their panic becomes your panic in seconds and why you've been taught that absorbing it is called love. Hey Beth. Hi, Susie. How are you doing? I'm doing good on this rainy day. Here we are on the Getting Used to It podcast.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it's not raining here. That's like a flip. I'm in Southern Florida, you're in Southern California.
SPEAKER_01:I know.
SPEAKER_00:I'm in Kashmir and you're in a tank top. I'm in a tank top. In November. Exactly. Well, so love this topic, right? I mean, what what are your thoughts on this one? Because I know I brought it up, right? This is one of those things that happens in my life where I get pulled into my husband's emotions, right? My partner. And when he's panicked about something, I get on that train and ride along on that anxiety train with him. Um, and it's funny because I was just thinking, not on all subjects, but there are definitely some that do trigger me, and then I'm on that train with him. And um, yeah, what about you?
SPEAKER_01:Well, I mean, I've definitely money is is a topic that could yank me onto the train from my from my standing still state. Um, and um, you know, there's probably a couple of other scenarios that might pull me in, but that one definitely um yanks me forward for sure.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah, and I love that there's an actual uh name to this. I know. Do you want to say it? I didn't even know that until this episode. Anxiety contagion.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I mean, from what I read, the research says this term gets used a lot, but it's not like the definitive term that is accepted across the board and all uh amongst all researchers. But you're right. Um, and it's not just empathizing, like from a psychological perspective, it's also physiological. The fact that your person partner, when they get anxious, you can feel a transference of theirs, their anxiety onto your system.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And it's uh your whole body reacts, yeah. Um, and then you can go into different people have different ways that they react to it. They could go into fix it, maybe even just um thinking they need to manage it or whatever, whatever reaction you go into, like we have we all have our individual ways of reacting to that. Um, I go into fix it mode and I take responsibility.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. Can I ask you a quick question?
SPEAKER_00:You do that immediately, you don't feel anxiety? No, first I panic, it goes into like chest and stomach sort of anxiety first, right? And then I think oh shit, like there's something really wrong, and just like you, money is that's a hot topic, probably the biggest topic, right? Um and once he's like, oh no, ah, we don't have any money suddenly out of nowhere, you know, for whatever the reason is, um, then I'm I'm freaking out. And then I get on that train, and I'm I am, I'm freaking out, I'm thinking he's right. Oh my gosh, I didn't even know. Like, and the funny thing is, is that I'm typically the one that does the budget. Right. So I actually do know what's happening. But because my husband is in finance, I'm thinking he knows more than I do. So then I just automatically let him drive that bus or that train. And then again, I'm thinking, I must now try to fix this. I'm gonna go do the budget, go see what's wrong, go manage our the way we spend, like fix, fix, fix, fix. And why are you thinking this? You know, I then I like go right back at him, like, why, why, why? And then we've just become these two um anxious human beings that are just like bouncing off of each other, which is not not great, right? Um for a good couple days where we're just now in this anxiety mode, right?
SPEAKER_01:And so uh okay, so you're saying it lasts a few days. One, two, it's incredibly sticky, which you know it sounds like negative, and therefore, as we know, negative things tend to latch on to you in a in a and negative emotions are particularly sticky and spread faster, last longer than positive ones.
SPEAKER_02:Yep.
SPEAKER_01:Um according to the research, you're actually catching a contagious disease when they when they kind of go through this. So in some weird ways, like it's reminding me of like the stages of grief, and you know, and they're not linear, you know, you could be angry, you can be panicked, you can be, you know, factual, like, you know, and you can be in the fix mode. It's there's a lot of different lanes to get into. Um tell me a little bit more about how you guys go from the initial interaction to like say you're you're gonna fix it. So many of us are in the fixing biz.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah. And before I go into that, even you know, the truth is, like I was saying, like the the two two of us drowning can't save each other, right? So um Absolutely. We we don't see that until about a few days later. Because I'm in fix it mode, it's gonna take me a moment to sit down, look at the budget. Uh I I literally go through like all the spending to see how much grocery, like, is this true? Like, I'm really looking at everything to see if we have nothing, if we're saving too much. I mean spending too much, saving too much would be great. Um good problem to have. Yeah, that'd be a great, oh my god, you're saving too much. You're spending like a Jillion dollars.
SPEAKER_01:This is awesome. It's an SNL episode.
unknown:Exactly.
SPEAKER_00:Right. So um, and you know what's really funny? I'm just had this thought, and then in my panic, I think he thinks like his he's validated in his panic. So then we stay on this together, and then he thinks I'm fixing, and because he seems okay with it, then I continue fixing. But the truth is we're still like in this anxious space together, and we're both like catching each other's cortisol spikes, and right, and we're just hijacking each other's uh nervous system. Like we're we're just we're not regulating at all, and we're supporting each other's nightmares, right? Because the truth is well said, well, right? Like the truth is we're both afraid and we're both you know actually not confident probably around our own personal finance. So, you know, this is really a hot topic for both of us, and when one of us gets anxious about it, we're gonna like jump on each other's trains, right? So we're in crisis mode, and then that's I can't even remember your question, Beth. But basically, that's what happens. We go to crisis mode, I go to fix it, I sit down, I literally open the laptop, I'm panicked the whole way through looking at our finances. My husband is cheering me on. Go do it, right? And then at some point I'm like, what am I doing? We're fine. Right. And it happens often. And the funny thing is, like, it took a long time before I realized we're keep recycling through the same pattern, and it keeps ending up the same answer. We're fine.
SPEAKER_01:Interesting. Yeah. So you you two days later you come out or three, going, actually, we're we're okay. And what happens with your partner?
SPEAKER_00:He he's like, actually, we're doing better than fine every time, Beth. Every time. Do you see how much we've saved here? Do you see how much we're fine, we're fine, we're fine. Like, what? I'm about to kill you. So once he sees the data, yes, he's good. Then he's good. But he forgets about the data again. Yeah. I have an idea about that, but I'll bring it up later. Well, and I think also the truth is like, you know, I think he probably gets triggered by another conversation. Someone else probably said they save have something in savings. He's worried he doesn't have that. You know, something happens somewhere down the line that day or whatever, you know, and that then makes him nervous, and then he comes home, and then blah, it's all, you know, said out loud to me, he just sounds so panicked. And, you know, women, we tend to take on all those emotions and we absorb it, and we and so I'm like trying so hard to help him, right? And so then that's we're back on that cycle again.
SPEAKER_01:Got it. So he walks in, he has a little vent dump on you, and you're left to kind of regulate yourself and potentially him. That's what I'm thinking I need to do, except that he triggers something in you that causes panic. Yes, something that you pan that you that does panic you, obviously, that you have a sensitivity towards panicking over. Exactly. That's the way I see it.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, yeah, and I think especially on that topic of money, right? Right. The truth is like it's been a while. I'm not like in that space with money so much more anymore because I've started catching these. It's like, oh, got this. And I also decided to like work on my own money issues so that this doesn't happen, right? But it when we were talking about doing this episode, I was like, I had no idea there was even a word for this, yeah. You know, and that it is, and they even describe it as an epidemic, not like your you know, CDC sort of epidemic, but it's like the psychology that even women uh even have that because we do tend to absorb absorb the stresses more and the empathy wiring and our socialization and everything. That it's it's something we do, and it is a bit of a epidemic for us, women.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I was I was saying to you earlier that a friend of mine was calling me command central over the weekend. And I was like, that so unsexy. Yeah, I mean, as a as a work title, not a sexy title. You don't want to be controlled command center. I was like, I don't, I I don't think that's the I don't think I've agreed, you know. I don't haven't seen a work contract on that. It just has ended up. You didn't sign that one. Yeah, I did not sign that one. It just has ended up being that so much, and I think this when you and I researched this topic, it kind of had some traction in that women, and I'm just that's where the command central is coming from. Like women in a relationship often are the orbit. I'm not saying men aren't, but like things orbit through us. Yeah, my partner's stress, my child stress, my dog's stress, you know, it's all I'm aware of it all. Yes, and we as as women often take take other people's stress on. I mean, I'm not saying men don't, I'm just a woman saying that I know women do.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, exactly. That's also part of our wiring as well. So, and that's fine, and that's but we do have to remember this, yeah, you know, and then we then don't need to take it on. We just need to know that we tend to do this. So then now what what kind of boundaries are we gonna set in order not to always absorb exactly?
SPEAKER_01:Like, what are we gonna do now? Like, um, you know, now that we know our partner's walked in, here's our scenario, they're radiating stress, or you know, we're we're sitting there calmly. This is what happened to me. We're sitting there calmly, or just at Christmas of all times. And my partner goes, We yeah, we need to out of nowhere, we need to reduce our spending by about 40%. And I was like, What? 40? And he was like, Yeah, and I'm like, and it's Christmas, right? And we're you know, buying gifts and etc. And on a trip and the whole nine, and I'm like, MF or completely, and I just think to myself, 40, 40, 40, where's that gonna happen? I'm like, in my mind, 40. I'm like, shit, 40 is 50, it's so close to 50, half, and I I mean, my reaction was the way I deal with stress is not to get all anxious about it, but I instantly go into contraction. I will not spend one penny, right? You know, yeah, and that's what you do. Nobody do that. Remember you said this, yeah, and by the way, not advertising that's a good plan. Yeah, right now we're gonna talk about maybe some ways to some different sort of ways to do not be so codependent around anxiety with our partners.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, exactly, exactly. And now I do want to also bring up how we do this too, though, like like we were saying earlier, you know, and just because you know you're a man doesn't mean you don't also absorb your partner's stress as well. Um, and we do it women to women, probably friend to friends, and mother to daughter, son, mom, all that, right? We probably take on and absorb that stress, that anxiety, contagion, we do it to each other. But what can we do about it?
SPEAKER_01:That's the thing. What can we do about it? You know, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And for me, what I have had to do is like just really call it, like name it's a hey, name it, hey, and then are we are we anxious right now about money? Is that what's happening, right? Um like are we anxious? Well, it's funny because I like to use the word we because he likes to use the word we. Like, are we taking out the trash? Um, are we doing that together? Is that what you're saying? He loves the word we really we are going to the bathroom right now together. That's hysterical. Yeah. Um, so just naming that and saying it out loud, but also, you know, maybe even being a little empathetic at that time and pulling back and being able to see, like, oh, maybe something happened for him today, and he's in a panic. And I just need he just needs to maybe be heard. Like this doesn't mean anything about us, he's just panicked, done.
SPEAKER_01:So you could mirror mirror your partner back, yes. Right. And what would that look like, for example?
SPEAKER_00:In my head, I just went to, hey, dude, shut hey, shut the bug up.
SPEAKER_01:No, that's a different podcast.
SPEAKER_02:So this one's helpful.
SPEAKER_01:Um, yeah, that's the blame game. This one's this one's not okay.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_01:But okay, how could we do it?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, well, for me, it's like, hey, I just asking him, like, did something happen today? Just point blank. Right. Are you okay? Like, do we need to actually worry about money? Like, let me know, because then I'll let's do something about it.
SPEAKER_01:I'll perform I'll perform a fiscal accounting in the next 10 minutes.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly. You say maybe down by 30%, not 50%. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_01:So, so naming it, obviously, maybe acknowledging that maybe you noticed that something occurred today. Yeah, something's off. I can even imagine though, a partner saying like, no, or maybe even feeling like, why do you say that? You know? Um, so really kind of going in, I think, with the with the empathy scenario, and really sort of like, I'm just sensing something's off. Let me know if it is, you know, and then maybe when you feel yourself and feeling that transference occur, which could happen, you know, sometimes it's very difficult to catch ourselves, you know, before something like that happens. I'm certainly have been all in before, um, is to just kind of acknowledge, like, ooh, you know, I just want to name that I'm catching it too.
SPEAKER_00:Yep. And, you know, you don't even have to say it out loud, just if you can pause before reacting, because you're verbally out loud, right? Um, and again, just for your own self, you know, I would, you know, I think I have found myself saying things like, Hey, listen, this is actually stressing me out. Is it like, is this something I need to worry about? Like, is everything okay? Right? Like, I have said something like that before, but just to get clear, right? And again, typically, so here's what I do I lash out, right? Because I'll be like, oh, fuck, right. So I just kind of go off in that mode. It would be so much more wise of me just to stay calm and just recognize again, going back into empathy and go, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Is this something we need to work about work on, whatever? Um, also calming myself down, breathing, just remembering not to react in the same way, right? I don't have to match whoever's energy on the other side. Right.
SPEAKER_01:So naming it out loud, um staying calm, um, giving yourself permission to not take their anxiety on and not like mirror their emotional state, I think would be really helpful. Um and then lastly, I think you could you know, if you can get that space, I'd like to help you, but I, you know, I'm gonna need a minute to like get grounded myself because perhaps you've gotten caught up in whatever's like you know, ping-ponging back and forth between the two the two of you. Yeah, absolutely. The hard thing is, I was gonna say, is that when it's like one of our touchy subjects, like we admitted that money is one of those for both of us, it's hard to stop yourself before you get to the reject reaction, sorry, not rejection, the reaction state. It's hard to name it and like take it, take some distance from it because sometimes those tricky subjects that we know we're sensitive to, we go straight to reaction. It's true.
SPEAKER_00:It's takes practice, right? It really is about just being able to catch it, you know. Um, and when you know when you do the some work around this and ask yourself, well, what does trigger me? Like where where do I do this? And what in what areas of life do where do I react when my partner has comes home with a reaction or whatever, right? And then once you have that awareness, the next time that happens, just maybe catching it and like breathing. Yeah, maybe you still argue, but then at some point you just stop and you realize, oh, here it is again. Okay, no, I'm gonna stop. It's okay. Just because you got your foot on the train, you went further right a little bit, doesn't mean you still can't get off at the next stop, right? Could apologize and just be like, oh, oh shoot, I'm doing it again, right? So, and then get off. Right. You don't have to absorb.
SPEAKER_01:I like what you're saying right there. Sorry, I jumped on you. That's right. Um, I like what you're saying there because I think you and I both in our line of work have experienced people trying something one time, having it not be perfect, and then feeling like, well, that doesn't work for it. Failed. Yeah, not trying that again, it doesn't work. Yep. When we know these things do work, and we also know that they it takes time, it takes practice to actually get yourself into a space where you can do it.
SPEAKER_00:I'm gonna um interject a quick story here. I it wasn't about money, but I always tell this story because I when I first went to tried life coaching out myself as a client, I went uh I needed a coach to help me with my relationship to my husband. And I was working on just the way we argue, right? And I noticed through the coaching that I I argue because I want to win the argument, right? And that I kept doing that to my husband, right? And at first I started to notice it, right? I caught it like, oh shoot, I do just want to win. And that's what typically makes me stay in the argument, right? And then notice when I was doing it, noticed when I was doing it, and maybe, I mean, it took a while, but at one point we were with friends at this restaurant and I was arguing with him, and then I just stopped midway through and went, Hold on, I'm sorry, but I'm just trying to win this argument. I am so sorry. I'm gonna stop right now. And then I just stayed quiet. They looked at me like I just like grew a second head, but it took a while to get there, and then kind of embarrassing to admit it, and then and then moving on, and we grew from that space, you know what I mean? We became a better couple, but and I'm sharing this story because I feel like that was me trying to put in the effort because I really didn't want to continue doing that, and like this, I don't want to keep getting on the train, so it's worth it to me to catch, even if I catch it midway through, still have already made a fool of myself somewhere down the line. Like I'm still gonna stop, catch, apologize, redo, and then keep doing it. And and I have to say, it's really helped a lot. I love that.
SPEAKER_01:It that's such a great personal example. Um, and you bring something up that like has made me think about my own behavior in say arguments. And maybe it is about winning, but or being right. Yes, yes, you know, and it it I don't feel like I have a hard time walking back from that, like if I truly can catch it that I'm wrong. Like I I feel like very open to that, to to seeing if my opinion might not be the right opinion. However, it is hard to do when you're inducted, right? When you're in that reaction, when you're in that argument. So that's a beautiful example of like how you practice, practice, practice, and finally one day you're in the middle of one and you went, oh ouch.
SPEAKER_00:Yep, exactly. Yeah, yeah. So even in this, you know, I challenge everybody, right? Listen, it's if we've been partnering with someone for a long time, we're gonna vent and dump on the person, and we're gonna share our anxious thoughts and concerns and whatnot. And it doesn't mean like it doesn't always mean you're being an asshole, right? But the truth is we still need to create the boundaries, we still do need to speak up for what we're needing, and we also need to take responsibility of our own, you know, regulation too. So we do need to speak up and we can walk away if we need to, and and that all takes practice, kind of hard because we couldn't trigger another argument, maybe, but worth it.
SPEAKER_01:So true. I mean, one little caveat, it's not even a caveat, but one little last thing that came to my mind that I wanted to mention is that you know, so many people think that being on this train, like I said at the top in the intro, is about love. Like they're upset, I should match that. Right, that's what it means to love someone. I should be on the flotilla with our job actually to absorb it into our body, carry it around, match it, mirror it, you know. Um, so that's not gonna help. That's not love. One, even though many of us have been taught that that is, and two, it's not gonna help anyone move forward when the time is ready to move forward, your panicked partner or yourself, you know, because yeah, I mean, you can be supportive without being a sponge, you can be loving without being infected, and you can be present without being pulled under.
SPEAKER_00:Totally. So I think we should stop right there because that's perfect. And this week's homework. Ooh, what's the homework? When your partner comes in hot, remember this is not your panic. This is not this is his I say his because my partner's a his. Uh panic, not yours.
SPEAKER_01:I was thinking when your partner comes in hot, it's not yours. That too. Not thanks for listening, everybody. Bye. Okay. All right. Bye. Bye. Hey, you made it to the end. If this conversation made you feel a little less alone in the midlife chaos, we'd love to hear about it. Head on over to Apple Podcasts or Spotify and leave us a rating and review. Tell us which episode hit home, or just let us know you're out there getting used to it too.
SPEAKER_00:Your reviews help other people find us, and honestly, reading them reminds us why we're doing this, because we're all figuring this out together. So thanks for listening, fellow midlife travelers, and thanks for getting used to it right along with us. Thanks for hanging out with us on Getting Used to It. If today made you laugh, think, or just feel a little less alone, then we've done our job. See you next time. Because if we're getting used to it, you can too.