Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used to It, Midlife is a show hosted by two executive life coaches, Beth & Suzee, who are also expert friends and are both getting used to midlife. From empty nesting and aging parents to painful sex, and let’s not forget the extra lubrication, we will sift through all of it, speaking our truth faithfully and vulnerably. Listen as we live through this in ourselves and our relationships in real time and tease through the “how to” of this next phase of life. As coaches, we have the tools, but as women in the middle, we may not have all the answers. Scratch that— we’ll have some damn good ideas, too. Join us, and let’s get used to it together!
Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used To It: When Life Looks Full But Feels Lonely
Loneliness can sneak into the busiest years. We're exploring friendship in midlife—why connection feels harder now, what's really shifting, and how to build bonds that fit this season. We unpack the "friendship recession," trace how modern life rewires intimacy, and get practical: friendship is a skill, not a lightning strike. Learn simple moves like choosing aligned activities, initiating consistently, asking better questions, and investing in a mosaic of connections—from casual buddies to soul-deep confidants. Pick three people, go one notch deeper than small talk, and build friendships with care and courage. If this resonates, follow the show and share it with someone who needs to hear it.
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Hi, and welcome to Getting Used to It. We're Susie and Beth, two life coaches in the thick of midlife ourselves, where everything's a little weird, occasionally hilarious, and a lot unexpected.
SPEAKER_00:If you're wondering whether you're the only one Googling hobbies for adults, wrankling, emptiness, and dealing with shifting hormones, you are not alone. We're here to navigate this wild chapter of life with you. So let's go.
SPEAKER_03:Susie, how are you? Today I'm good. Uh I'm up in a cabin in North Carolina, and I'm like, am I up? Yes. In North uh Florida. And it is nice and cool. It's beautiful, but I'm a little tired today.
SPEAKER_00:Mmm. Interesting.
SPEAKER_03:Or maybe I'm lonely. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, well, we're gonna dive into that. I'm still here in Los Angeles. Don't worry, we're friends. Today we're talking about friendship in midlife. Um and as you alluded to, you know how um in midlife you can feel like busy and like your on the go motion train, etc. Yet somehow people, not just in the midlife stage, but even younger are experiencing, society is experiencing record numbers of like real loneliness.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Um, they're calling this the friendship recession. Hmm, what's that? Um that that's a profound shift, they say, in how Americans experience and sustain friendships. And with the percentage of those reporting no close friends increased from 3% in 1990 to 12% today. So they surveyed people in their 40s and 50s, and they were more likely to be lonely than those over age 60, actually, which is very interesting, huh?
SPEAKER_00:So 40 and 50 year olds were more lonely, but 60 year olds had had figured it out.
SPEAKER_03:Ah, I guess so.
SPEAKER_00:So had different had a different skill set, perhaps, being 20 years older. Very true. You know.
SPEAKER_03:And so with another peak in loneliness occurring in the mid-40s. You know, that's interesting. Because you're 60? Yeah. And I'm 51.
SPEAKER_00:So C1 and change. Let's just be accurate.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. Okay. I'm don't want to tell any lies. Change as well. Right? So, so 51, we're more likely to be lonely than those over age 60. So I'm more lonely than you. That's why I'm tired today.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. Susie's more lonely. We'll carry on. Maybe we can solve it, or give her, leave her some tools by the end of this conversation.
SPEAKER_03:Please.
SPEAKER_00:Anyways. So what do you feel do you feel like that's true for you?
SPEAKER_03:That I'm lonely? Yeah, that you're a lot less lonely than you were.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, that I'm less lonely. I I don't know. I mean, I think I still have not still. I've, you know, I mean, I guess what I'm gonna say is friendship sort of feels like a wave, right? You know, and um the there are times where it feels like my cast of and crew of friends feel big and bright, and I feel connected. And then there's times where like the ocean ebbs, you know, and goes out, um, where I feel like, hmm, what's happening, you know, and I always chalk it up to it's obviously something that's happening in me that I'm experiencing. Yeah, you think of you, yeah. Well, I don't mean like there's something wrong with me, but like it it can't be all my friends, you know what I'm saying? So it and and what can I control? I can control myself and my interactions, their interactions with me have not changed. It's me. That's why I look to myself for the answers.
SPEAKER_03:But let me ask you though, but is that true as far as because of the age piece of it? So if you look back to your 40s and before 51, did that feel more lonely than today?
SPEAKER_00:No. No, I felt uh no, I don't the I mean, I don't feel like I felt more lonely then. I mean, I was busy. I had a, you know, I was a late in life parent. I had a child in my early 40s. You know, I I maybe, and I've always felt that I'm somehow slightly off track. Oh no. You know, and I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just it's my track. It's my track. It's just a different timing than than most people. And I've sort of feel like it's been that way my whole life. And that's absolutely fine. So I'm actually curious now that you just said that, like we're never gonna get to what we scripted out today, are we?
SPEAKER_03:No, but I have so many questions now. So if do you really do we really think I think part of it has to do with age, but you just said something about the timing of children, right? So when my kids, they're more empty nesting that right, like my son has already moved out, he hasn't been home in a year and a half. Um, you know, my daughter's almost gonna be done with college. Um this time, because they're not home, feels slightly lonelier. And I don't know if that has to do with the friendships really, because or now I just have to fill that void with my friendships or something, but it just makes it seem slightly lonelier. But I it's just that it feels a little empty.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:That makes sense. Totally. Um, I think the way I'm seeing it for myself, you know, is that oh, there's a shift has occurred. You know, you might be further along in the shift than I am. You know, my daughter's away at college, but like your kids are a couple years older, so you're maybe a little bit more into the shift than I'm at the beginning, maybe. Um, but I'm sort of thinking like, oh, there's a new this is a new stage of life now. Kid out of house, new stage of life. Now she could come back and I'll take her back any time of day. Um but you know what I mean. Like, yeah, she's adulting, and now I need to shift into what's life like without that piece of uh mothering um, you know, not as uh I'm not saying I'm not needed and that we don't have a great relationship, but it's just like we're in a different phase, right? It's that's what I said. We're in a different phase, I'm in a different phase. What will life and how will I create life going forward in a way that makes me happy and I feel fulfilled, etc.?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. So again, I feel like it's not so much age sometimes, it's uh kind of about our kids leaving. Sure. You know, sure.
SPEAKER_00:So and we don't know from the numbers that you brought up a few minutes back who's in that data set. Exactly. Who's in that data set? You know, those 40 or 50 and 60 year olds that never had children, are they people that had kids when they were 20? We don't know.
SPEAKER_03:Exactly, exactly. It's kind of unfair. I would say let's just go back.
SPEAKER_00:It lacks nuance.
SPEAKER_03:It lacks the nuance. So tell me, talk to me. What did you learn about this? Friendships? Friendships.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so I was, you know, um just sort of, I mean, and I've said to you over the last few months, oh, I feel lonely. I'm feeling lonelier. Like, so I'm, you know, and right now I'm one week into like Bachelorette Hood. My husband's off on a work trip, my daughter's out of the house, and and I'm and I it's interesting, while I miss them both, um I don't feel lonely. Okay, I'm one week in. I'm just gonna say preface with one week in. I don't want to be riding the victory, the victory horse just yet. But I'm enjoying the space with which to um observe my life. Yeah. That's new, you know. That is that's kind of new for me for re for at least in the recent 20 years. So, anyways, I was um talking about today's podcast with a friend of mine who's who's visiting, and um I started to think about um how to approach this making friends. And like immediately, I think from a coach perspective, um, as we both are, you know, I began to think, oh, this is about the the how of the what, you know, how are we what do we want? How are we gonna get there? And then my friend brought in, oh, this book he'd read called Sapiens by Yuvall Noah Harari, which takes a more um biological look at friendship. Um, and I began to think, now I own this book, I have not read it, just just throwing that out there. It's growing dust on my bookshelf. But he tipped me off to it, and I thought it might be an interesting lens with which to see friendship. So again, I'm talking about the book Sapiens by Uval Noah Harari. You said maybe you'd read it. A long time ago. And basically the book explains how humans are wired for a close connection and how modern life has quietly worked against it, especially since the Industrial Revolution. You know. So yeah. So um it was a survival, you know, making friends was was really at the root of our survival, right? You know, early humans lived in small, tight-knit communities. We depended on each other for food and protection, and we began to um, you know, grow closer um and create alliances. Storytelling was often a way that happened. Gossip was a way in which that happened, which is is I found really interesting.
SPEAKER_03:I guess no matter what, it's all about just connecting exactly in all the ways, right?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah. And apparently, according to Harari, um the development of complex language helped us build friendships even at a distance, you know, like long distance. So, and and and be able to express empathy and form bonds with strangers. That's all uniquely um Homo sapiens, right? That's those are tools we have, right? Um, and then you know, we were able to go out and build entire civilizations, like on the backbone of that.
SPEAKER_03:I mean, we're cool.
SPEAKER_00:We are cool, but then the breakdown has come post-industrial revolution, you know, urbanization, capitalism, all these things pulled us out of villages in into these anonymous cities. Exactly, yeah. And over time, like relationships have become more transactional and people are more mobile and people move away from each other at I don't have statistics, but like in great rates, you know? Yeah.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And then on top of that, uh the whole digital shift. True. Right. So then now we're socializing online, and truth be told, it's like our friendship, right? It's mostly I see you periodically in when when I'm in LA, but truth be told, it's mostly via Zoom, right?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. That's different. Totally. And I think that's really interesting. A lot of people, you know, when I came into this, when I met you and we were both coaches, um, our whole platform was virtual. And it was, you know, and this was like pre-2020. You know, and then so I mean, the pandemic is what I'm talking about. And when the pandemic happened, I was like, oh my God, I'm so poised for this. Yeah. You know, like I can make what are people talking about? I can make, I made friends, Susie's my friend, you know, and lots, lots of other friends from that time. But yeah, like, and I I don't know about you as a coach, but I really can read people's energy this way. I don't struggle with that.
SPEAKER_03:No, yeah, I I this is another form of connecting that I like. I'm fine with it. Yes, exactly, exactly. Yeah, however, it is very different when you do finally in person and touch and have that actual, you know, contact with people too. So I think they're I mean, I I like both. Yeah. Right. But I'm so happy we have this platform as well.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly, exactly. You're like my long distance pen pal. I mean, think back to the time when we didn't have this level of digital technology, we would have been writing letter letters to each other. Exactly. Had we met, and we would have had to have met somewhere, most likely. Uh-huh. You know, and then carried on a correspondence. Yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_03:It's just the new way of doing it.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly. I mean, and I know technology fills a lot of those holes and rolls that we used to fill, you know, pre-the Industrial Revolution. Harari says it's maybe connection without intimacy, though.
SPEAKER_03:I could see that. I could see that. You know, um, it of course the thought just came to my mind, so I am not ready with the information of the documentary I watched, but you know, I have seen some, like a couple of documentaries where people have had these online, like the storytelling games that they do, and they really do create a beautiful like group online friendships. Um, I was surprised actually by um what I saw. I will go find out this documentary.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I don't know what that is.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and um, it was especially about this. Uh, maybe y'all heard of this, but it was about this uh kid who actually had he was handicapped, and all he could do was move his mouth and he typed in and he had a fantasy character and everything, but it kept him like alive and connected with people. This was kind of the only way he could do it, but he didn't, no one knew in that community. But he had friends, yeah. That's how he made friends, and it was beautiful. Um, so I think you know, so coming at a coach point of view, right? It's like, so what kind of friendships do you want? Right? Are they in-person friends? Are they virtual friends, or are they a mix of both? What kind of what matters to you? And I think we do have to define what that is, whether you're empty nesting, new in a town, 25 years old, or whatever. And then we've got to do the things to make the kind of friends that we're wanting, right? For it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter our age.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah. Um, I was gonna say what someone else I um leaned on for info is um Dr. Miriam. I think she's a doctor, she's a psychologist, Kermeyer, who um is a friendship expert and um has an online course about friendship making called Confidently Connected. Um and her big idea is that friendship is a skill. It's not just chemistry, and it's never too too late to build.
SPEAKER_03:Absolutely. I totally agree with that.
SPEAKER_00:And while her Harari says we have a biological imperative, a pull, and that is partly why the loneliness is is there, is that um even though your surround people may be surrounded by people, um they can still feel lonely because that's a biological imperative. Whereas the Stoics, you know, who I also who I leaned on because I know Susie's a huge stoic fan, I wanted to see what friendship meant meant for them. And Seneca said, friendship should be soul deep, rooted in virtue. Marcus Aurelius, the limbs of one body. That's what friends are. Um and Cicero said, flat out, essential for a good life. Honesty, shared values, that's what friendship is all about. Um, so back to Miriam Kiermeyer and how to go about it, you know, which yeah, the how-to, right? Yeah, struggles are normal. I just want people to know struggles around friendship, that is a norm. It is not personal.
SPEAKER_03:And I also want to add to that, I mean, I do love the stoics, but that seemed awfully deep. And I don't know that all your friendships need to be quite that deep. So, you know, if it's just I feel like there are different friendships for different things. Like sometimes it's just your tennis group, or you know, you actually love just going drinking with these buddies and you go deep talk with these people, it's just more and it's okay. It's totally cool. It's really just about connecting and feeling I think there's a sense of belonging that we really want to be a part of something sometimes, right? And that connection that we're uh looking for. Um, and it yeah, again, it doesn't have to be stoic deep for each of those people.
SPEAKER_00:Yes.
SPEAKER_03:Just want to do it.
SPEAKER_00:And that no, I appreciate you saying that. Um, one of the things that uh Kira Meyer says is it's less about finding the perfect friend, you know, which I I feel like is more of a modern day view on well, you know, I want to find my I I you know how there's that whole, I want to find my people, I want to like my people.
SPEAKER_03:My tribe, and yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I began to sort of think about that, like, is that a perfectionistic look at friends?
SPEAKER_03:I see. That's a great question.
SPEAKER_00:You know, I mean, I don't I it's not like I met my people when I was 12 and they're still my people. I mean there has been a gamut of people that seem like my people, which speaks to the fact that there aren't only just the people in air quotes that are yours.
SPEAKER_02:There are many communities, tennis people, meet people, mahjong people. Mahjong people, book people, crochet. I often work in crochet, crochet people, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly, exactly. You know, uh she goes on to say that you know it's less about finding the perfect friend and more about showing up and building the connection and and getting out of your comfort zone. Focus on quality over quantity, be the one to initiate plans, name your needs, you know, nurture your friendships. Um look for some activities with which to align. Don't look for a place where, oh, a lot of people play X, Y, Z, therefore I should go do it, even though it's not like in alignment with what I love. Go find what you love, start smaller. There's less when you take on an activity, not only do you build a new skill, but you um, you know, it takes it eases the pressure of it becoming about making friends. Yes. You know, totally. So and it doesn't have to be sports, right? If you like movies, start a movie club, you know. Book book club. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Wine club. I'm gonna keep going.
SPEAKER_03:Rush it.
SPEAKER_00:Susie really can really draw the parallel here. And and even like the online friending, you know, there's I think like a bumble, best friends, and there's other places. Like a lot of times for people that are getting back out there and maybe life has shifted, or they're they've moved to a new town, or things have changed, or what have you, those kind of online formats can just really work to hone your skills. Yeah. Before you get out there in person. And you might be like Susie and I and become really good friends just over Zoom.
SPEAKER_03:Exactly. Um, you know, I I want to reiterate that part that um about being vulnerable because I think in the end, it sometimes it I feel like it comes down to that because we're scared of reaching out or just sounding whatever you think you might sound like, reaching out more often maybe than the other person. But if it's worth it to you, and if you like that person, why not? Right. And I mean, I feel like we're our audience are midlifers, we're in this stage of life. So let's get used to just putting ourselves out there and going after the things we want, including friendship, you know. So go do it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I also feel like go do it and don't let like work beyond small talk. Yeah. I mean, this is a huge topic just for like for one episode. I feel like there's so much more to talk about. Um, but there's there's so much nuance to it, you know. Um but to work beyond the small talk.
SPEAKER_03:Work beyond the small talk. Go ahead and put yourself out there. Don't be scared. Um let's move beyond being worried about being judged because we are really looking for some like good connection.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And and know that if you're feeling lonely, there's a biological reason. You know. Yeah. And yeah, that your body wants you to be out there and have connection.
SPEAKER_03:Connect. Exactly. Yep. So I challenge everybody if you're feeling if you're in this space, go for it, make a connection, put yourself out there, give it a try.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and maybe think about who are like three people I want to go all in on. And then make some actions.
SPEAKER_02:I'd say, go be creepy. Go be creepy.
SPEAKER_00:Go go bottom line, friendship isn't something we find, it's something we build.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, go build it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it's not like it goes into your hands.
SPEAKER_03:Yep. Exactly. We have to do the work.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:If you want it, we have to do the work. Go be vulnerable, build it, go be creepy.
SPEAKER_00:Stretch yourself and stop saying that, Susie.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for listening, everyone, and um getting used to midlife along with Susie and Beth. Bye.
SPEAKER_03:Thanks for hanging out with us on Getting Used to It. If today made you laugh, think, or just feel a little less alone, then we've done our job. See you next time. Because if we're getting used to it, you can too.