Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used to It, Midlife is a show hosted by two executive life coaches, Beth & Suzee, who are also expert friends and are both getting used to midlife. From empty nesting and aging parents to painful sex, and let’s not forget the extra lubrication, we will sift through all of it, speaking our truth faithfully and vulnerably. Listen as we live through this in ourselves and our relationships in real time and tease through the “how to” of this next phase of life. As coaches, we have the tools, but as women in the middle, we may not have all the answers. Scratch that— we’ll have some damn good ideas, too. Join us, and let’s get used to it together!
Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used To It: You Need to Hear This: A Conversation on Grief, Mental Health, and Surviving the Hardest Year of Our Lives
Two life coaches dive into the most devastating experiences they've faced as families, creating a powerful space for understanding grief, trauma, and healing. Suzee reveals the heart-wrenching journey through her teenage son's suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization. She describes the surreal experience of having to surrender her child's care to professionals while simultaneously processing a staggering series of deaths in their social circle during that same year.
Beth shares the trauma of losing her only sibling to murder in Brazil thirteen years ago. With remarkable candor, she explains how she's only recently been able to acknowledge the drug-related circumstances of his death and the unique pain of losing "the last witness" to her early life history.
Their conversation weaves through the complexities of processing trauma - both as individuals and as family units. They discuss how Western culture's discomfort with grief often leaves people isolated in their darkest moments, expected to "move on" when they're still in shock. Both women reflect on how their families navigated these crises, with spouses, children, and themselves all processing events in vastly different ways.
What emerges is a profound exploration of how grief changes over time but never truly disappears. Even years later, both women are still discovering aspects of their trauma they haven't fully processed. Their professional coaching backgrounds provide unique insights into supporting others through crisis without adding to their burden.
This deeply moving episode offers no easy answers, but rather something more valuable - permission to acknowledge the messiness of grief and the ongoing nature of healing. Whether you've faced similar circumstances or simply want to better support someone who has, this conversation provides compassionate guidance for life's most challenging moments.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you're not alone. You can call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988—it's free, confidential, and available 24/7. Help is always available.
For listeners outside the U.S., please visit www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html for a list of international resources
Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Getting Used To It!
If you enjoyed today’s conversation, please consider subscribing, rating, and leaving us a review—it helps others discover the show! We’d also love to hear your thoughts, so drop us a comment or connect with us on social media.
Stay connected, stay curious, and we’ll see you next time!
Hi and welcome to Getting Used To it where Susie and Beth, two life coaches in the thick of midlife ourselves, where everything's a little weird, occasionally hilarious and a lot unexpected.
Speaker 2:If you're wondering whether you're the only one Googling hobbies for adults, wrinkling emptiness and dealing with shifting hormones, you are not alone. We're here to navigate this wild chapter of life with you, so let's go.
Speaker 1:So hi everybody.
Speaker 2:And welcome to Getting Used To it.
Speaker 1:We're definitely trying to get used to stuff. Yeah, I'm not sure.
Speaker 2:What If we are?
Speaker 1:What's the percentage here?
Speaker 2:I don't know Are we getting used to things? Can we rank it? I'm not sure, but I'm just going to say we're outing things, we're revealing things, we're discussing things, probably things that back in our younger years we wouldn't have. So I feel like that's a win. What do you think it's?
Speaker 1:true, I'm getting used to I was going to say life. I'm not sure if that's true, but I think I'm getting used to maybe who I am and that I am constant change.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean change. That's something that people have a lot of problem with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and actually I'm going to just tie this in to what we're talking about today actually, please. So the topic of today's conversation is the hardest thing that we've had to deal with as a family, and when I was talking to my daughter about this, she was telling me how she felt at that time, but it was at her 15-year-old space.
Speaker 1:So she's realized she's changed and she wouldn't react the same way now and I was thinking about that and just how much we do change, and it's funny sometimes how we resist change even though it's happening all the time. And why do we resist change?
Speaker 2:And I just wonder, I mean and this is totally a side note but like, is it actually possible to resist it from coming at us? I mean, we may think we're resisting it, but are we really? Ever.
Speaker 1:I don't think we can make it stop.
Speaker 2:It just rolls on you.
Speaker 1:It just rolls. I mean, you can continue dressing like a seven-year-old if you want when you're 50, but your body is changing.
Speaker 2:You're not going to look the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So so do you want? To tell us what the hardest thing was that you guys went through as a family.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, you know what, I'm just like jumped into the middle there, so I did this up and give us some context about what was going to back it up a little bit, and it's funny that we're like giggling in the front end of this, that when we're talking about something so hard and I'm just going to give a little heads up for everybody it's it's pretty deep and dark that what Beth and I are going to bring up today. So that's just a little disclaimer, Right.
Speaker 1:It could be very it could be activating for some people. It could be very activating and triggering for people and it does involve death for uh both of us.
Speaker 1:So that's the heads up.
Speaker 1:Um, so the hardest thing that we went through as a family is and I had had permission from my son to talk about this, so, just in case you guys were wondering is that my son had to be hospitalized, and in South Florida I don't know if this is called this everywhere in the country, but he had to be Baker acted, which means that he had to be hospitalized for a suicide attempt, and he was 17, 16, 17, about then when it happened, and shocking but not shocking because he was already going through we knew he was struggling with depression.
Speaker 1:Shocking because of you would just never think that or never hope that your child would want, would be thinking that way, yeah, yeah. So there was a combination of things happening at that time, and then we got the phone call that he was going to be heading from the police, that they were taking him to the hospital, and the whole of that story is, though, just in case you guys were wondering, is he was driving and he wanted to crash the car into a tree, like he kept resisting as he was riding down the street, resisting, not crashing the car, and then he said he knew he just had to pull over, and then he called the police cause he just didn't know what else to do. Um, so thank goodness for that.
Speaker 1:Yeah for that. And then we immediately went and met everybody at the hospital and so the next three days they basically hold him for 72 hours and my daughter was not able to go with us to go visit him. I think you had just to be an adult to be in there. She was 15 at the time and as I was talking to her about it I realized I think we all kind of did the same. We were all very scared, didn't know what to do with ourselves actually and didn't know what does this facility even look like. We were scared about like where he was letting him go. Um, can we just take him home? Like you know it was just didn't know what to do with the emotions and I I'm not even sure if I remember sleeping. I don't really. It all almost seems like fuzzy to me.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, and then visiting him the next day, just waiting by the phone to see when we can go and visit, and so the each day we could go and visit and see him and then talk to a counselor there with them, and basically he was under watch and then we, and then if they thought he was under watch and then if they thought he was okay at the end of the 72 hours then he can go home. And because he was under 18, he was in a facility with children and looking back he said he's very happy that it was an under 18 facility. He said even just that alone felt very scary because everybody gets locked into their rooms and then he could hear some kids just having some issues. That sounded scary to him. So, um, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I realize your inclination to you said and I'm, I would imagine people feel this way you know, to bring him home, like to clutch, you know how we have that um sort of systemic reaction to like pull something close, I mean, um, rather than push it away. You know what I mean, and I don't mean pushing him away physically, mentally, emotionally, but like letting him go to a place that isn't like with you. That must have been really hard and I can. I really imagine that's a really natural reaction.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it was, um, it was weird, it was weird to let him go to get better. You know, and I knew I think I would have been more scared actually if I, if he came home with that I don't think I would have thought that. I don't think I thought that at the time, but now, looking back, I think I would have like stayed up and watched him the whole night.
Speaker 2:Right so yeah. Completely. I imagine just like looking at your child all night just to make I mean it's like remember when they're little and you had the, the little, the camera. Are they breathing?
Speaker 1:You know what's happening in there, right, yeah, yeah, totally, and it so, yes, it would have totally been that same feeling. And so when I talked to my daughter about this, she said, truth be told, mom, that whole year was very difficult. So that was right, going into COVID and and that was a. You know, I think, beth, we knew each other at that time, so I was. It was, uh, we just had as a family just a lot of trauma and people kept dying, and I know there was COVID, but only one of our friends died from COVID throughout this whole process. So couple months before no, a few months before, neil was hospitalized, a good friend of his died on a motorcycle, right, so then he had to process that. And then two, then a couple of houses down from us, a really good friend's son committed suicide. And then, about six months later, my best friend's's husband one of my best friend's husband died. He hit his head, he fell, he has seizure, hit his head on the child floor, basically, and then he died.
Speaker 1:Wow, and then another friend, her daughter, literally maybe a few months after that, her daughter she was driving home after dance class motorcycle crashed into her side, the daughter's side of the car. She died Then.
Speaker 2:our other friends, I'm going to keep going.
Speaker 1:Our other friend's father, alex, my daughter's friend. He died and that was the one COVID. And then about six months after that, another girl, alex's friend, she'd committed suicide. So it would just felt like this barrage of so. I think she's right, him being hospitalized, one thing, but it just felt like it just kept coming for some reason, and only one of those stories was COVID, and only one of those stories was COVID. So it just felt like we just kept getting hit, punch, punch, punch, punch, right, right, right. It just kept coming.
Speaker 2:The cumulative grief of a year like that is very intense, it was super intense. I'm doing a grief workshop, you know, and they're talking about just how long it takes to actually begin to process your grief.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's not always immediate.
Speaker 1:No, you know, yeah, and everybody grieves differently, completely.
Speaker 2:And this Western society has sort of like a. It's been two weeks. Are you ready to move on from that?
Speaker 1:Exactly, yeah, we don't really know. Come back to work. Society has sort of like a. It's been two weeks. Are you ready to?
Speaker 2:move on from that. We don't really know, we're not good at sitting and being with yes.
Speaker 1:Exactly, yeah, so for us, that was the hardest year, and then, coupled with my son's hospitalization just felt, heavy felt.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, no, I totally get, that and I wonder if you don't mind me asking a couple of questions that might be insightful like as a couple. How did you and your husband process?
Speaker 1:yeah, you know, we, um, we just kind of we sat and we just kept asking each other like so, how are you doing, how are you doing, right? It was really cool to see that we both remained very calm and we both just it just went into deep care, right, like you, okay, no you okay, like what can?
Speaker 1:we do, like, what do you need to do? Neither one of us got really upset. No one went to like quick anger or anything like that. We were just all very present and calm together, which now, looking back, I didn't even think about that at the time. So great question.
Speaker 2:Thank you, beth, because it's cool to see that actually yeah, so it sounds like it was bonding in a way or supportive in that you each had each other's back and no one went for each other, which you could imagine happening very easily, because you're scared.
Speaker 1:So you're just, your emotions are right there. And my daughter was saying I mean, again, she was 15, so she said she felt selfish because first, yeah, yeah, and my daughter was saying I mean, again, she was 15. So she said she felt selfish because first she said she knew he was in a place and if she didn't really think scary, she thought maybe the place he was at was scary, so she wasn't like she was unsure about where he was, it just sounded like a mental health, like a scary place, and she didn't want to talk to him on the phone. She said she remembers talking to him but she really didn't want to because she kept thinking the place was really scary and somehow that would affect her. But she said now, looking back, that felt selfish.
Speaker 1:And she wished she didn't feel that way and she wished she didn't do it that way. And again, that's what I meant by the change. Now, looking back, she's like, oh, that place wouldn't have affected me, I would just be talking to my brother, you know, that's it. But she's also afraid of the Easter bunny for a very long time and Santa.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, we all come to things when we come to them, right? Yeah, and I could imagine it being scary, as, as I mean, in your younger self for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, especially if you don't understand what's happening yeah, yeah so yeah thank you and so it's been how many years?
Speaker 2:now?
Speaker 1:five, I guess it's been about five years. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so, as a as a family? How do you stop to think about it? Do you just keep moving? What?
Speaker 1:is there anything?
Speaker 2:left to discuss, be with, et cetera.
Speaker 1:We, we touch on it now and then actually more with him than us as like a whole family, but we openly talk about it, hey, you know. And then we stay on top of his depression and making sure you know that we're all on it. And then, as he's aging, he's starting to like be better at taking care of his mental space. You know, um, as he's learning more about how to take care of his mental space you know, as he's learning more about how to take care of himself better as he ages.
Speaker 1:So you know it's. I'm so happy that we do all talk about it with him. It's not like a taboo subject with him at all. He doesn't feel that way, and the reason why he's like from the get-go he's like it's fine to talk about because he's like I don't think people talk about this that much and that it's not good. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah, that's so very forward thinking on his part yeah. Yeah so.
Speaker 2:Wow, Thank you for sharing that. And how does? How do you feel?
Speaker 1:right now. What do you need? You know it's funny because it's what you like. What you said about grieving, I don't know. It's not something to grieve right Cause he's here, but it still feels like you need to process it and I don't know if I've processed it. You know what I mean. When are you done with processing? How do you know that you've processed it? Except for that, you went through it and you're kind of on the other side. We do talk about it, so is that part of the process? That's a really good question.
Speaker 2:So is that part of the process? Yeah, you know that's a good question.
Speaker 1:A really good question, yeah, and, truth be told, now that you've asked that too and looking back great questions, beth Howe, they didn't talk to us about it. We didn't get much information as the people as his caretaker, his parents and his parents we just they didn't do anything over here. I mean, they told us what was going on with him, but not for us to process the information Right right. Yeah. So you know, maybe that could be a little something something. Yeah, but yeah, that could be a little something something.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But yeah, that's all I can say about that. You know, I think we're processing, We've been processing and we talk about it yeah so we didn't stuff it down.
Speaker 2:That's amazing yeah.
Speaker 1:Great.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's fantastic. Yeah, yeah, wow.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was amazing yeah, completely. As we learn to be, as we learn to be with it yes yeah, oh, my turn. It is your turn. Shit on the hot seat. Do we have time for mine, or should we skip it?
Speaker 2:no, we totally have time okay, um, I think you know, when I did a little inventory of the hard things that um, I've experienced with my family, um, really numero uno, and really probably the only, is the death of my brother, um, jim. Yeah, so he was about almost three years younger than me and, um, he passed away in 2012. Um, and we're coming up on that anniversary this month actually, um, and he was murdered. Um, he lived in brazil and, uh, I'm not gonna say in like in a remote part, having never been there.
Speaker 2:Um, it wasn't a big city, but a tourist vacation town, and, um, it was drug related, and that was probably the hardest thing for me to process, actually, since his death, probably until maybe a couple of years ago, because it was really mixed up with some personal shame around it. If I acknowledged that and if I told people that, that it would have some sort of reflection less so on me and more so on him and he had lived a life where he was not a drug addict. However, the last couple of years of his life, things were not going great and that is what his life was looking like right, while, you know, holding a job and operating a business and being married, um, and you know that was taking over as it does, I guess, in many people's lives. Um, that was really really hard for me to come to that realization, and I think maybe I believed that it was something else, or I was hiding it in shame, I'm not quite sure.
Speaker 2:But recently, like I said, within the last couple of years, I was just like, oh, I think it was that Like there was like a ding, ding, ding. Of course I knew that it was that, but like I was able to then talk about it, that I mean it's been. You know, they're almost 13 years, right, um, and then my daughter was six at the time and the two of us were home together and my husband was um away on business for work, and yeah it was. I spoke with her and asked her how she felt about how we processed it and she said to me it was really interesting. I felt like I really already understood death, which I don't even know where she got that from. But she said I really felt like I already understood death, which I don't even know where she got that from.
Speaker 2:But she said I really felt like I already understood death and I very quickly knew when you were telling me whatever you told me, which was sort of a six-year-old version of your uncle is dead and he was murdered, of your uncle is dead and he was murdered, but she said it wasn't so hard to process because she already understood what death meant, which I thought was really fascinating.
Speaker 2:She said I feel, like if I didn't, it would have been really hard for me. But she said I already understood. I mean, she was obviously sad, but she said I already knew what it meant when you told me and so it was much easier for me to move through it. Wow, which I thought was really kind of like. What are you? Some witch, some sagey little witch, something Six years old? Yeah, I mean, what past life are you referencing this from? Yes, oh my gosh. And then I asked my husband and I was like what was it like for you? And, to be honest, we have not. It's not that we don't talk about it, it's not that we don't mention his name, because we totally do. You know, we're 13 years away from it. Our experiences in life with him are more distant. He lived in Brazil for 20 years before this even happened.
Speaker 2:So, like already and before that in Denmark already there was distance, like we were not in each other's everyday lives. But anyways, my husband said, you know, for him what was hard was just the lack of resolution, the lack of closure. You know Brazil. The justice system in Brazil is different than it is here. It's a drug-related death. It's not really addressed in the same way as there was no CSI on this case. You know what I mean Right, we were only going to know what we were told.
Speaker 2:And so, aside from the shock, the lack of closure, which of course happens in a death like this, which is so, what are they like? An ambiguous kind of death or an ambiguous sort of loss? The lack of resolution of limbo is how he felt. Right, yeah, and I feel like for me, I feel like I mean this sounds silly. I think it was hardest for me. Of course I say that I think one of the things I was telling Susie before what was really hard for me was when I would have to tell someone you know like, oh, do you have siblings, you know, and have to kind of go through it. And then I was so uncomfortable with people's reaction that, instead of just being with how it was, I was taking care of them, because I was so uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:What can I ask you? What part of that made you uncomfortable? Was it fear of judgment about you?
Speaker 2:No, I mean the discomfort I felt was yeah, that's a good question. I mean I think I did say to you when we talked about it a few weeks ago, like, yes, maybe a little fear of judgment, oh, I see your brother's murdered. Like I mean the facial look of that on a human, you saw it in the movies, right, like there is a look of horror that comes over someone's face. Yeah, I mean it's intense, yeah my brother said oh, I'm so sorry. What did he die? He was murdered, Stricken.
Speaker 1:Totally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a lot of attention. It's a lot of concentrated attention. That.
Speaker 2:I've had On your rights Very hard, yeah, yeah, that people didn't just that, it didn't just pass with like, wow, that must have been really hard. I'm so sorry. Now, of course, you know from where I sit today. You know, as a coach, as someone that's been through many, many deaths, not just this one, this just happens to be one of the harder ones. Um, I realize you know and we said this at the top you know how hard it is for people to deal with death. You know, and they don't know, including myself. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to be. You know, um, it's uncomfortable and actually like silence is a great kind of way to yeah deal with it.
Speaker 2:I'm really sorry. I'm just gonna sit here, you know be with you, you know. So anyways, here I rush it off. So anyways, enough about me. So anyway, that's okay, let's move on um, so yeah, it was hard, it was really hard, yeah, and he was your only sibling?
Speaker 2:He was my only sibling. Yeah, our parents had already passed away, yeah, and our aunts and uncles had already passed away, and so he was sort of, as I would say, my last witness, the last witness to me at an age I don't recall. Yeah, you know which is when you, which is was kind of heavy for me, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's part of your history. I mean, yeah, he's been there for as long as he lived. Yeah, most of your life, the one that knew you from then.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, wow, yeah, yeah, and I mean I think I said this to you caught up with an old friend not too long ago and he had a piece of video of me from like 30 years ago. Oh, right.
Speaker 2:And I was like that was like a great witness for me. You know, like, of course, my brother obviously knew me from zero to whatever 45 or something like that. So he, we, you know, grew up in the bedroom together, next to each other. We have had a lot of shared life together. That goes on unseen in some way, because it's so hard to see outside of yourself. But yeah, it's neat when you see a piece of yourself from another time period that you have trucked on by.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like what? That's not even part of your memory again.
Speaker 2:I was like my voice is higher, what Wait?
Speaker 1:Why do I sound like that? I was like wait.
Speaker 2:I dropped an octave. What the fuck.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we do that. It's weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let me ask you then today, are you better when people ask?
Speaker 2:you? Yeah. Are you better when people ask you I am? Yeah, I am. And you know what, Since I've been in this, I mean I'm like one week into this grief certification course, but it's just given me the what's the word I want to look for.
Speaker 2:It's like given me the powers. Wrong permission, permission, that's the right one. Yeah, the permission to just be like, oh yeah, nothing needs to be said, yeah, you know, I can just be. And I now I'm getting choked up. I really realize like, oh, I think I'm not, I don't think I've grieved this all the way, like what is all the way anyways, but I think there's probably a lot of stuff that I just I didn't know what to do, so I kept on going.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, I mean, that sounds very normal. You know, and I'm going to repeat it again, because you know we don't know what to do. There are no. Are there courses on?
Speaker 1:I mean, you're obviously taking one on grieving now, but like it's just not a typical thing that we no one's very it's like a taboo topic, almost right. We don't talk about it, and we don't typically because we don't know. We don't know how to ask the other person for what we need, because we don't know what we need in that time. And I think you're riding on a roller coaster of emotions anyway. So you might want someone to not talk about it at all. Then someone to talk about it how do you even know? So I kind of can't wait for you to get to the end of this grieving class to see all that you do learn. Yeah, yeah, but I would say no, I was just going to say I don't know, even if this is right.
Speaker 1:So you know, at the time when the stuff was happening happening with my son, for me it would have been great, Like, if people just asked me about it and not tiptoed, cause that actually made me feel a little bit more like what do you think? Like, oh, it made me more nervous and then it felt like I had to tiptoe. Then I don't know, it was weird, you know. But then I think sometimes I just needed to stay quiet about it too and I just didn't want to talk about it. Yeah, I don't know. Could we just hold up a sign?
Speaker 2:Maybe we should get cards, you know, like on sticks, and we can be like not today, not today. Ask me a question, please ask.
Speaker 1:That starts with Green and red.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and, and you know, I mean I, I, I completely know what you're thinking, what you mean. And and I experienced, experienced something similar, like when my mom was obviously a completely different situation, when my mom was dying um, something would happen, and then I'd call a friend and then I remember this friend would call me back like three days later and by the time she called me back, I just what happened three days ago. A zillion things have happened since then. Maybe today is good, maybe maybe it's not good, but I don't want to talk. Or I do want to talk, or just what happened three days ago. A zillion things have happened since then. Maybe today is good, maybe it's not good, but I don't want to talk, or I do want to talk, and I mean it's as hard for our friends, it's hard for our friends also you know, yeah, knowing where to.
Speaker 2:Yeah. What's the line right? Yeah, exactly yeah, because you don't want to push and you don't want to. Yeah. What's the line right? Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Because you don't want to push and you don't want to yeah, but you want to care. Yeah, I think everybody's in a weird space during those times.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think everybody should like just be open and forgive themselves for however things kind of come up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think so, would you say. Do you think, given what you said, you would have preferred if people like lumbered in and asked, even if it was indelicate, or would you have preferred that they waited to hear from you? Do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1:You know, that's a really good question because I think from some people it would have been just fine for them to, just because I'm close enough to them. And then for some people that's a really good question. No clue, because I don't feel like I'm in that kind of emotional space right now, 100%, totally. But seeing my friends in that space where they were grieving the loss of their son or, you know, the loss of the husbands, and you're just in that shock and I don't think much is processing Right, um, my, my friend's, um husband, I, you know we're close enough that I was like you just need to tell me to go or stay. I'm gonna keep pushing to stay and I'm gonna keep pushing to talk, but then you need to kick me out or keep me, like you, you tell me right, right, so right so I think I would have preferred that.
Speaker 1:You know, and then, and then just to know that I'm not ever coming from a space of meanness If I happen to be shut down, that's just me processing Right. Probably I'm thinking the same for you. I don't know. What would you have wanted?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't even know really. Yeah, I don't even know really. You know, in the situation with my brother, I don't know, I was immediately after in a very strange place and I don't even know what I wanted or needed right, I don't? I mean, the only thing that I was really grasping for was like some sort of spiritual relief. You know um and that, and which was also new for me too at the time.
Speaker 1:What do you mean by that? By the way, Like.
Speaker 2:I just wanted some sort of like tell me how to make sense of this Mm-hmm, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's hard Gosh. It's such a process.
Speaker 2:It such a process I know you know, I was just about to say this is a fun topic, but I am enjoying it.
Speaker 1:I know, me too. I love these getting into it really getting into it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we like the deeper. Darker conversation I don't know about, darker has to be, but deep conversation yeah, yeah, um, yeah. So I I feel like what I'm getting out of this is that when stuff like this happens, we just don't know, we just don't know and we won't know. And I'm pretty sure for every person there's like a different level of intensity. If they were to pass away or something traumatic were to happen, and you know, I think for the person that's going through it, they almost can't say what they're needing because they just don't know and they're in shock, right so just be graceful, right on the part being the person on the other side, and understand, yeah, that they, that person, doesn't even know how to react.
Speaker 1:It's not personal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think it's the expectation that the person can share with us what they need. I think is probably a burden for most people.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. It's a high expectation.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah, I felt like I wore a robe for many days, so that's like really gives you a sign of like how sad I was.
Speaker 1:Yeah you know, yeah, yeah. Can one another question ask me? Um, so you and you're like, so now, after it's been 13 years and stuff, um, for some reason, the image of you in the robe is making me want to ask this question. Like, in the middle of all of that, did you feel yourself wanting like something certain from your family, though, do you know what I mean? Like, were you like no, everybody, just leave me alone, or, man, I wish they they did come in, just hold me, or I.
Speaker 2:I was really like I think my husband would say that I was kind of rejecting you know, yeah? So yeah, I mean not purposefully, I think he knows that, but I just, yeah, I just leave me alone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the reason why I'm asking that too is I think maybe we do project what we're needing at the time actually.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we just don't know, right? Yeah.
Speaker 1:So that's why I was asking that it's like if you're in your robe and you're just hiding. Maybe that is actually what you're wanting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh gosh. So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh. So how do we end this on a positive note?
Speaker 2:right now, um, I don't even know yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm going to say silver lining for me and the learning maybe. Yeah, um, so proud of my son for calling the cops.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that must have been weird and scary. And then have your parents show up and then have to deal with all this stuff and then have to go back to school, and then you know all this For sure Not that he had to go right back to school afterwards. Yeah, I know, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure Not that he had to go right back to school afterwards.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that he's still here. Yay, I know not everyone can say that, right, and that I can talk about this, right, and it's that I can talk about this right, and I'm very appreciative that you and I can talk about this and that you and I are okay about sharing this. We can't see the world right now, but we know we're recording and we're going to post it, so you know, thank you for being open to sharing this together yeah yeah, yeah, yeah and.
Speaker 2:I don't know that. I mean, I think this personal silver lining for me if you could even call it that was actually probably came from coaching becoming a coach, being coached and being able to like finally get to the place like where I was, like oh great, okay, I can actually be okay with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know and I don't know that I would have ever felt that way had I not been working on unfolding myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's awesome, and I'm just going to put this out there because you just said the thing about coaching and making our podcast a little bit longer today. But I was also being coached in the middle of all this, and so Beth and I worked at the same place for a while, so we had a group of coaches that I felt were just really holding the space for me very well through all this and loving, and it was amazing because I was being loved and coached by a group of coaches. Um, so that felt amazing. But my own personal coach at that time and I and I would do want to say this out loud Um, she said you know, it's not on you, right? You're going to blame yourself if something does happen, and that's natural and normal, but you just can't control any of this, and that, I think, goes for you and me both.
Speaker 2:Right, like you can control that Totally.
Speaker 1:Yeah, can't control any of this, and that, I think, goes for you and me, both right Like you can control that Totally, yeah, can't control any of it, and we'll both, we'll feel like this and what the process that we did in either way. So it's, you know, and that was the hardest thing to do, but I think the best coaching I got, which was just you you got to let go of the thought that you were somehow involved in all this.
Speaker 2:Right, right that you know that critical self blame where, like what could I have done differently or what?
Speaker 1:right. What if? I X, Y, Z, what if? What if?
Speaker 2:yeah, and the truth is it was their journey yeah, right, and their lessons, yeah, so as hard as that is to as hard as that is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And gosh, was that a silver lining? Did we end that happy? Is that?
Speaker 2:I'm not sure we're really happy that we're talking about it and showing it to the, giving it to the light of day and and hopefully someone out there hears this and it helps them, and I'm not really. Truly is the silver lining.
Speaker 1:Yes, right, exactly, yeah, a hundred percent, yeah, beth, thank you.
Speaker 2:Susie, thank you, this was a great space. Thank you for holding this space and for your support and your honesty.
Speaker 1:Same Beth Halper Love you?
Speaker 2:Can you believe my voice used to be higher. That's so weird. Okay, I want to hear the recording. See you next time.
Speaker 1:Bye.
Speaker 2:Bye. Thanks for hanging out with us on Getting Used To it.
Speaker 1:If today made you laugh, think or just feel a little less alone, then we've done our job. See you next time, Because if we're getting used to it, you can too.