Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used to It, Midlife is a show hosted by two executive life coaches, Beth & Suzee, who are also expert friends and are both getting used to midlife. From empty nesting and aging parents to painful sex, and let’s not forget the extra lubrication, we will sift through all of it, speaking our truth faithfully and vulnerably. Listen as we live through this in ourselves and our relationships in real time and tease through the “how to” of this next phase of life. As coaches, we have the tools, but as women in the middle, we may not have all the answers. Scratch that— we’ll have some damn good ideas, too. Join us, and let’s get used to it together!
Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used To It: Walls Full of Stories: The Empty Room They Called Home
Caught in the emotional whirlwind of transforming our children's rooms after they've moved out? Suzee and Beth, your trusted midlife life coaches, tackle the heart-tugging reality of empty nests in this episode of "Getting Used To It." Picture this: Suzee’s son's room, an untouched sanctuary for a year, and Beth's daughter's room, a cherished shrine of memories. We navigate the tender contrasts between decluttering and preserving these spaces while emphasizing the power of open conversations with family members as everyone adjusts to this new chapter.
Through personal stories, we ponder how safeguarding or letting go of childhood artifacts can shape connections to the past. Embrace the bittersweetness with us, and reflect on your own experiences as we champion the universal journey of letting go while holding onto precious memories.
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Stay connected, stay curious, and we’ll see you next time!
Hi and welcome to Getting Used To it where Susie and Beth, two life coaches in the thick of midlife ourselves, where everything's a little weird, occasionally hilarious and a lot unexpected.
Speaker 2:So if you're wondering whether you're the only one Googling hobbies for adults, wrangling empty nests and dealing with shifting hormones, you are not alone. We're here to navigate this wild chapter of life with you, so let's go.
Speaker 1:Hey Beth, how are you? I'm learning to let go.
Speaker 2:Well, I've been trying to learn to let go too, so which brings us to this topic today. Completely Right. So it's about what do we do with those bedrooms that have been left behind by our children as we empty nest. So I have a child that has not actually been home for a year now. This is post-college, even right. So what do I do with that bedroom?
Speaker 2:I'm actually looking at it over there across the hallway and it would be so sad to see it go. Oh gosh, it's getting harder. I thought I could do it. The last time we talked I was like yeah, I'm just gonna let it go. Now I'm like, no, so you know what do I do? That I was having, I was like kind of in a funk about it, and that's how beth and I came upon this subject for today. And, beth, what do you think? What do you think I should do?
Speaker 1:about this. Um, yeah, well, you had you had a like, whether you do it or you don't do it, let's just talk about it. I mean, when we met to say is this you know, a good topic or not, I had said to Susie, oh, I don't know about that topic, and she was very, you were very very sure right, it's time to get rid of this stuff. My son's stuff has been there in that room and it's been a year and I want to take back the space, baby Yep.
Speaker 1:And I'm coming from the other perspective, I'm just going to leave my shrine, of course, my daughter's coming home and you know, has just, you know, started her college journey, her journey into adulthood, let's just say, because not everybody goes to college, um, so yeah, um, and I'm just all about the shrine, I think because and I'm going to tell you why, and I hadn't thought about this the other day, but so when I came into being a mother, so when I came into being a mother, I really wanted to hold on, like I could not remember my parents were dead. I could not remember my dad died a few years into my daughter. She was three, but I couldn't remember any books my parents read me and I remember feeling one day I'm going to find it, one day I'm going to read the book to her and it's going to go ding in my head. That's a funny ding.
Speaker 1:But it's going to sirens will ring out people and I'll have this out-of-body experience and I'll know yeah, this is the book. I had this one when I was a kid. It never happened. I think we read like 400 books. We probably have as many, probably not, but we have a. I I've kept all of them because there was none of that in what was left from my mom. You know there were a couple of cards she kept, but there wasn't like all this there. There wasn't like the yellow brick road of my childhood in the boxes that I got from her after she passed away and I really wanted that for my child, like I wanted her to have all those sort of tactile memories so I'm just saying I'm keeping the shrine at some point.
Speaker 1:Maybe you know we won't, but I've kept a lot of.
Speaker 2:I've kept a, but I've kept a lot of stuff.
Speaker 1:I have a lot of stuff. My husband's like there's a lot of calico critters in the garage, Beth and I was like, yeah, they're not going anywhere. They're just not, that's on her. If she doesn't want them, she can get rid of them, but I am not.
Speaker 2:That's so sweet. Yeah, I'm like not the most sentimental person, so I've done a good job of purging. That's why this topic is really weird for me, um, and that's why this emotion that I'm feeling right now is kind of strange because, like I said, I I'm I'm great at like yep, no, I'm not gonna this one, I'm not gonna care about this one, I will. So I'm gonna keep this like I've really pared it down very methodical about the whole process. I've kept, like, certain T-shirts because I was going to have make quilts with all my daughter's cheer shirts, all the basketball music shirts that's going to be my son's like did it Right? My daughter, who is younger than my son, she's been in different rooms of the house as her bedroom than my son.
Speaker 2:She's been in different rooms of the house as her bedroom, so it's it's um, not tied to one room being like her room, so I actually redid her room already the her first year in college, right, all done, um, she came back home, she's like surprise, oh my god, this is amazing, right, my son's room, however it's been, this is it. This has been the only room and he there's, it's. He's written crazy words on the wall. It's like all these posters, all these things, but they've been there for a long time, nothing has changed. And that is the piece that's like kind of wigging me out.
Speaker 1:What does he want with the room?
Speaker 2:That's and so thus that's where I'm at with all the whole thing. So I looked this up, I did a little research.
Speaker 1:Tell me.
Speaker 2:And it says communication is key.
Speaker 1:Wow, when is that not the case?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I feel like I think we should just um say that the beginning at of every podcast we do. How do we deal with that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, if your client came in, and I know if your client came in your coaching client came in and was like I really got it, I'm redoing my kid's room Wouldn't you be like what's your kid say?
Speaker 2:Have you talked to your?
Speaker 1:kid about it.
Speaker 2:What's the plan? Who, who right? Yeah, so my husband's thinking is like it's not his room. I'm like, oh well, there we go. Yeah, there we go.
Speaker 1:We just leased it to him without payment, for 20 years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we're going to put that stuff in the box and we're going to give it to him and he needs to move out. I'm like, oh okay, well, that's easy. No, my heart, yeah, right.
Speaker 1:So I completely disagree with your hubs.
Speaker 2:Exactly Right. I mean, although he knew I was going to have a hard time with this one, so he thought it was kind of surprising that I was like I, when I talked to you, beth, the last time, I was like yeah, no, no, we're just going to like it's going to be so easy. He's like sure. So what I did? Find communication. Communication is key. Discuss expectations. Have a clear conversation with your child about expectations for their belongings.
Speaker 1:Totally.
Speaker 2:Like. Okay, duh Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So he is actually coming home for the first time in a year. He'll be home Sunday, and that's what we're going to do.
Speaker 1:I love it.
Speaker 2:Right and have that conversation and it's really funny. Actually, I've had this conversation with him before. He's like I don't know, it's your house, what do you want to?
Speaker 1:do Right, but you know that like well, it could go two ways.
Speaker 2:It could be two ways. It could be like it's your house, I don't know, what do you want to do, and then he could get there and be like whoa, wait, whoa, actually. Then he told me because this was about a year ago before he left, and then he said oh yeah, I think I would have been really sad so I think that was another.
Speaker 2:I'm like oh, hold on, yeah, yeah, um. And then it said so after that discussion. What can be like kept donated which should be thrown away? It also says long term storage solutions Right, so he is basically on his way out, like he's, he has plans not to be living here in Florida anymore and he'll be out in California near you, beth, right? So I mean that's and that's going to be yours as part of his plans, right? So what are the long-term storage solutions like? Okay, yes, and then to start the major clear out does he know it's coming?
Speaker 1:does he know the big convo is coming? He does not see that's what I would. This is just'm going to lob a coaching nugget here and just say I want you to. I would, if you were my client, I would suggest, like I'm really looking forward to seeing you when you get home. And here's one thing I want us to talk about. So he's prepared, like oh, this is coming.
Speaker 2:Yes, for sure. I honestly didn't know I was going to have this conversation until you and I just talking today. Yeah Right, Like I was like, OK, so when would this conversation actually happen? But I'm just thinking, actually it would just be as we're talking about this, I'm like it would be actually smart to do it while he's here. So yeah, now I'm just going to lob at his winch. So hey, listen, we're going to talk about your room yeah, you're here next steps, next steps and then after that it.
Speaker 2:I thought this was cute repurpose with a vision, though. So the truth is I'm not sure 100 sure I have a vision right. So the I mean for the room. You mean, yeah, a room vision right, so it might even be pointless to do it now, right?
Speaker 2:I mean, we could start the whole process but, if I'm not even sure what would be happening with the room, like what's the point, in a way, right? So, um, I think my husband is hoping homie, uh, yeah, hoping for a home office. That's what I was trying to say okay, so there's your intentionality would be the intention, but we just need to confirm, and then yeah, and, and where would?
Speaker 1:neil, yeah, go ahead. Where would your, where would your son sleep when he came back?
Speaker 2:we have so many rooms actually. So he's, you know, if my daughter's here, then he could still be in the guest bedroom, right? And then so I for my daughter, she's, she does have like another two more years before. You know, she's not really using the room. I'm thinking again depends on what she does after college. So, yeah, yeah, I mean there's a guest bedroom still. Oh my gosh, it's such a weird space. Oh, I'm having emotions. Yeah, wow, I think really it's so much, almost like not even the room, but it's like that final piece of like the idea that that room does not associate with your child because your child no longer lives there.
Speaker 2:And he's not a child.
Speaker 1:Always to you will be Anymore. Yeah, your baby, he will always be.
Speaker 2:But the truth is he doesn't need me in the same way, sure. And so here's another thing that just again happened today, right? So he actually flew out to um from la to the east coast. He got there today, um, paid his own way, got there, found out that he can't actually stay like with the friends this one friend, so he then he had to make other plans.
Speaker 2:I was not needed in this whole process, just figured it out and I called him to see like hey, did you get to your destination? He's like yeah, and he just kind of told me about what happened and I'm like, oh my god, I have made an adult cheers all around, I mean yes, yeah, no, absolutely excited, proud, very happy.
Speaker 1:But it's wow, there's like a little piece, that's like and this chapter is done yes, yes, oh, that that makes me sad just even hearing that right now, because I just think that's coming for me in a few years too, and it's, it's just.
Speaker 2:Uh, you know, it's fine, that's just the way it's supposed to go, right it's totally the way it's supposed to go and of course, it's supposed to make you proud, but there is that closure. It's just like any other chapter of your life when there's just closure, yeah, and I thought I mean, no, I did not really really think this, but it's like, you know, they go to elementary school and you're like, oh my God, they're not like that young anymore. And then they go to middle school and you're like, oh my gosh, they're actually in freaking high school. But this is definitely different. I have to say. This is like not any of the feelings I had before. There is like a real feel of closure with this one and it's like okay.
Speaker 1:I was talking to a friend of mine recently and she's our age, in her 50s, um ish, and she was saying that her parents have kept the rooms the way they were.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and she said you know, it's cool, but it's like none of that is me any longer you know, yeah, so that's kind of fascinating too has a great like, um, like I wonder if she goes back and she's like wow, like look at how far I've come, or yeah, I don't know I, or she's like I, I didn't even ask that's a good, a really good question.
Speaker 1:I never. I never asked her, I was just sort of more stuck on the huh okay you know, I find it very when I find a little trinket of mine in the garage.
Speaker 1:I'm always feeling like, oh, like you know, it's really hard to see yourself as you grow up, you know. And so being able to look at you know things because memory is fuzzy, you know to be able to look at some of my artifacts or trinkets, you know, from different stages in my life, you know, really is fun for me. Again, maybe it's a little bit different for me. My parents are deceased, my brother is also, so I don't really have a lot of eyes on my past, you know, when I didn't have eyes on myself either.
Speaker 1:So it's nice, I like looking at the stuff, and I'm thinking maybe for my daughter too she's an only child yeah, Maybe, maybe the stuff. You know, we don't keep everything, but the stuff maybe does speak to her life, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, totally, yeah, yeah, totally. My parents moved out of the house that I grew up in, but they still live in the same town that I mostly grew up in and I think for me it's so, you know, of course, all my stuff then left and it's just kind of my and my parents are really like purgers. I remember walking in one day and they're like and you don't have those toys anymore. I'm like, oh yeah, okay, like we're done with them, like oh, all right, so it's, you know there isn't a lot left of that stuff.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But I just even revisiting the town and the school and you know I don't really need the room Right, so it it is. It's an interesting process. Still. I, like you know what, I would love to go back to my parents and just ask them how they felt about that. You know, yeah, I know, I know That'd be interesting. Yeah, you know, because I did get rid of everything. Did they like not think about it? Or do they have a moment Like I have actually no idea?
Speaker 1:I want you to go back and ask your parents. I mean I wish I could ask my mom that I started to think and maybe I'm just making this story because it seems plausible. I mean we were renters, we moved a lot. I mean maybe she just felt like we don't need to take this stuff with us. Yeah, part of it. I mean.
Speaker 1:I know, in my one of my close friends, as I, in growing my child, you know another mother and her children. She was a constant, you know, perjurer I guess that's the best word for it, you know, whereas you know I was like not hoarding, but like, you know, keeping. And when I would ask my daughter, you know, should we get rid of this? Because there were definitely things I was like we need to get rid of this. You know she went through this period until about two years ago where she was like, where she just felt like, no, no, keeping it, keeping it, save that, save those shoes, I want to remember them. I'm like, really Okay, and I have it, save that, save those shoes, I want to remember them. I'm like, really okay, and I, I have. And then, strangely, two years ago, she said I don't know, I don't care about that. All of a sudden it just flipped to this. That doesn't mean anything to me. I'm like, really okay. Um, I'm along for the ride yes, that's cute.
Speaker 2:I like that you ask her and you guys both do that process together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, communication is key, I've been told.
Speaker 2:Do you know what I feel like we need to communicate? Yeah, so I scrolled down on this list, by the way, Tell me. And at the bottom, the last two pieces of advice that I found is embrace the change Mm-hmm. That I found is embrace the change Mm-hmm. Okay, and the other. The last one is emotional adjustments.
Speaker 1:It says to allow feelings.
Speaker 2:The process of transforming a child's room after they fully moved out can evoke a mixture of emotions. I'm sure so give yourself permission to feel sad, nostalgic or excited about the future. It's part of transitioning into a new phase of life. Yeah, I'm just the tip top of all these Tip top, tip top. I thought it was okay, but you know what I found?
Speaker 1:since my daughter's been away, I like leaving the door open whereas my husband closes the door and I'm like it's not like she's absent and he says but I don't want the dogs to go in there and get the room dirty. I'm like it's OK. You can leave the door open.
Speaker 2:She is no longer here.
Speaker 1:I know.
Speaker 2:That's funny, that's cute.
Speaker 1:It's funny that we all do it differently too. You know, I know, I know, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So what I'm gonna do is I, I know, at the end of every podcast we're like and we will report back on this and I think we should have, like this podcast where it's all the reporting backs. Great, I love that, but like this is definitely something I would love to report back on because I'm curious as to what I actually do.
Speaker 2:I'm going to have the conversation, no matter what. So it's expected Like we both kind of know what we're, where we're heading with the room and all of this stuff and and, and then I'm just going to take it from there. And then what do I actually do? So, right, baby steps, as we said, like you know anything that's big, take your baby steps if it seems too big. So that's my baby step have the conversation first because, again, beth alper, communication is key.
Speaker 1:I love it. That's what I would say too. Yeah, I was just sitting here thinking you know what, eventually, if we're still living here and our daughter moves out, what would I do with that room? And I remember before we had her, it was my office slash workout room. It really didn't have a purpose, though it didn't really. Yeah, While I was sitting here and you were talking, I was saying, Ooh, screening room could be a screaming. I'm dreaming big.
Speaker 2:I know I'm like, Ooh, that could be my crocheting room.
Speaker 1:Ooh, I need to learn how to crochet. Yeah, you, you're, you, you're rocking chair in your yarn.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and my little readers?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm just gonna gramify myself.
Speaker 1:No, it's not a grandma.
Speaker 2:Thing.
Speaker 1:Very low. It isn't Young people are doing this. Now I saw my daughter knits, does she?
Speaker 2:That's right. I knew that. That's so cool. I love it.
Speaker 1:It's great, it's good to have something you can do with your hands. I know oh, I don't know what I have, but I need something.
Speaker 2:Talk with the hands. Yes, well, that's why I'm going to make it my crochet room for sure, a hundred percent. Now I'm okay. Now I'm all excited again. Get out of my room now, woo, all right. So thanks everyone for coming along this ride. I wonder if you guys have gone through these feelings as well. I'm sure many of you guys have. Do you have any pointers? Reach out? What did you guys do? What did you guys feel? I would love to, we would love to hear from you guys.
Speaker 1:Yeah and yeah and I will report back. Yes, until next time. Thanks for joining us on getting used to it.
Speaker 2:Talk to you then.
Speaker 1:Thanks for hanging out with us on getting used to it.
Speaker 2:If today made you laugh, think or just feel a little less alone, then we've done our job. See you next time, Because if we're getting used to it, you can too.