Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used to It, Midlife is a show hosted by two executive life coaches, Beth & Suzee, who are also expert friends and are both getting used to midlife. From empty nesting and aging parents to painful sex, and let’s not forget the extra lubrication, we will sift through all of it, speaking our truth faithfully and vulnerably. Listen as we live through this in ourselves and our relationships in real time and tease through the “how to” of this next phase of life. As coaches, we have the tools, but as women in the middle, we may not have all the answers. Scratch that— we’ll have some damn good ideas, too. Join us, and let’s get used to it together!
Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used To It: Swipe Less, Live More—The Art Of Unplugging.
In our latest episode, we dive deep into the complexities of our relationship with smartphones—exploring the fine line between staying connected and getting distracted in our fast-paced, tech-driven world. Join us, Suzee and Beth, as we share personal stories of digital dependency and discuss how we can reclaim control over our devices. From mindful phone usage to the growing movement of "right to disconnect" laws in places like Australia and the UK, we explore ways to set healthier boundaries with our screens. Plus, we introduce the concept of a "dummy phone" as a tool for minimizing distractions and fostering intentional use. If you've ever wondered whether your smartphone is controlling you more than you're controlling it, this episode is for you. Tune in and challenge your phone habits with us!
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Stay connected, stay curious, and we’ll see you next time!
Hi and welcome to Getting Used To it where Susie and Beth, two life coaches in the thick of midlife ourselves, where everything's a little weird, occasionally hilarious and a lot unexpected.
Speaker 2:If you're wondering whether you're the only one Googling hobbies for adults, wrinkling emptiness and dealing with shifting hormones, you are not alone. We're here to navigate this wild chapter of life with you, so let's go. Hey Beth, Hi Susie, how are you doing today?
Speaker 1:I'm doing pretty good. It's a good day. It's a good day.
Speaker 2:I'm on the roller coaster of life.
Speaker 1:I know I actually got a workout in. I did not enjoy it, but it's in and it's done.
Speaker 2:I like it. I like it. I have not worked out. I've walked the dogs. It's a little bit earlier here, had a little stressful go around, but all is well.
Speaker 1:All is good and we are here alive and to talk about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so let's talk about what we're talking about today. Yes, what are we talking about today, beth? Well, we're going to talk about our digital devices, screen time, detoxing, how to break up with our phones, perhaps, and just the overall intentionality of using our phones and kind of being in charge of them rather than being on the receiving end of them sort of taking charge of us, would you say that was it. That did I nail it.
Speaker 1:Full summary. I love it. You did nail that. Yeah, they do kind of take over, don't they? It's funny how we think we're in control of it and then it suddenly is controlling us. So I am all for this topic to figure out how to? You know, I heard someone use the I don't even know if this is the right, if I heard it correctly but someone saying like they're setting up a dummy phone, right, so like a, not smartphone, and that just intrigued me. I'm like what, what? What is this thing that you're speaking of? And she said she was just setting up her phone so that it basically doesn't have all the different apps just beeping in and it's just the basics, right, like getting your text, it rings, and I guess maybe that's about it. Like she was just having the bare bare minimum. She had to go to her computer for her emails, like she was making it really like difficult for her to. Yeah, just the phone is just the phone, that's it.
Speaker 2:Right because they're so in the addiction. Right, because they're so in the addiction, I mean the feeling compelled to check it, you know, to the point at which you don't even realize. You don't realize you're not intentionally checking it, you're just pulling it out. Pulling it out, pulling it out Any dead moment. Sometimes I think back to when I was a kid, when we didn't have smartphones and I'd have to go with my mom. You know I'd always have to do these. She was a business owner, single mom, and we were always in line somewhere. You know what I mean the DMV, the bank you know where people lined up.
Speaker 2:You know there was no Google to tell us this is a busy time to go to the bank or not a busy time to go to the bank and there we were just together in the bank and I it just felt, sometimes felt so endless the amount of time. And when you're a kid you know the boredom factor and I just remember having to kill time on my own. You know having to kill time on my own. You know counting the vinyl squares on the floor. You know, thinking of things.
Speaker 1:Seconds on the clock, yeah.
Speaker 2:Looking at people's faces, you know feeling the nub on the, you know the fabric on the chair whatever yeah. I mean all boring stuff, yes, but I couldn't whip anything out to take me onto an island which I don't know what people today. What we'd do if we were in that situation, counting tiles on the bank floor.
Speaker 1:I know, I know we don't even give ourselves, I think, the chance to do that, because we can just to whip out the phone and sometimes I remember bringing a book or you know, mom would bring, like the coloring book and I would do that for my kids too, because I think and maybe it was this way with your daughter too like it was at a time where the phones were just like they didn't have that at that time either so I remember table cloths that were paper at the restaurant and the, you know, the waitress bring ons and they get all over the table, right, yeah, so yeah, no longer does that seem to be the case so we have all these devices.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you go to restaurants and kids are on iPads.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and that's not to say there aren't.
Speaker 2:I mean I'm all for a parent getting an hour to themselves you know, because we, as parents, know how difficult it is to just even sometimes get a break to eat.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, totally. I think I'm just going to come more at the angle of what about us adults?
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's talk about that. What do you notice in your phone usage that you feel like is in your way?
Speaker 1:You know what I love me some YouTube. Do you find yourself in line at?
Speaker 2:the bank on YouTube.
Speaker 1:I will pull out that YouTube, right, and I come up with the excuse well, at least I'm learning something. But the truth is, I'm not unplugging and just allowing myself to just be there with myself, right, I'm still like pulled into someone else's world and distracted, and that sort of thing. Now I don't really do Instagram and distracted and and that sort of thing. Now I don't really do Instagram and Facebook and all that stuff. And then, you know, honestly, for me it just feels overwhelming, like, and I don't know how to use like Facebook. Sometimes I'm like, and then, so what do I do from here? Right, I can be like kind of dumb about it, but, um, it feels like a lot. And that's where then I'll have the excuse like, well, I'll just YouTube, right, right, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I think the thing is we're not in the present right. If you're on YouTube in line at the bank or you're waiting in the car, you know we're missing stuff. You know we're we're missing stuff and although I love that you're replacing it, not so much with mindless scrolling and and and diving oh well, hold on, let me just out myself with my Instagram.
Speaker 1:Instagram reels is the other thing. I I don't know how to do that Like where do you go to post pictures and what's the difference between posting that and stories and all that? I do know how to get to those reels and I'm very entertained by these reels. I love them and I will find myself in like a mindless little like candy, just like scrolling through them and I do have to like consciously be like nope, and I'm done, Not allowed the phone down, walk away, so I can see how people can like get hooked into that tick yeah, totally, and it it eats time.
Speaker 2:Yep, it's such a time suck. I mean. I know I've had those moments where I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna and for me it's not always social media, sometimes it's like I'm on the internet. Oh, I thought of this thing I need to look up, or I remember research this, you know, still, I mean still time suck, right, yep, and I'm going to just do this for five minutes, which then becomes 30.
Speaker 1:I mean how many of us?
Speaker 2:have been in that place and yeah, I mean place, and yeah, I mean it's really about boundaries, I mean everything in life seems to be about boundaries and the dopamine hit and the addiction of it to it, not being able to see that, thinking we can control it. But yet there we are. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. I mean your friend Andrew Huberman. Is it Huber or Huber? I think it's Huberman, andrew Huberman, I know he talks about this.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:He's big on the dopamine no.
Speaker 1:He's big on the dopamine, big on talking about the dopamine. Yep, yep yeah.
Speaker 2:Right and it's like every time we scroll right Isn't there like a dopamine hit?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think the you know there's the whole science. It's not even so much like when you hit, it's the actually even the before that. It's like the want of the hit right. So it's that anxiety. That piece is actually what we're looking for, and then you get the hit and then you're looking for that next hit. It's like that piece right before. So I think that's also very interesting, um, because it really could be anything. But just because the way society is set up right now and everything is through all the social media piece, that's just where we'll go to right. And, um, I don't think that's a great thing, you know, because we are missing out, like, why don't we just call the friend instead? Or why don't we just have a conversation and like, why can't that be? Like, oh Ooh, let me talk to Beth. I'll call Beth instead. Yeah, yeah, got it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and doing some research on this topic, I, um, I read I haven't read this book and I I don't know her name's Dr Jean. I think it's twang or twenge or something like that she's a psychologist and researcher. Oh wait, not her, it's someone else. Hold on, let me figure out who that is. Whoops, it's Dr.
Speaker 1:Sherry.
Speaker 2:Turkle so sorry, jean. She's a professor at MIT and she wrote a book called Reclaiming Conversation and that's one of the things I think about is like even within myself. I mean I've been around since the you know about is like even within myself I mean I've been around since the you know before, um texting and emailing and um, even I myself find sometimes I'd rather just text someone than actually talk on the phone like she explores that relationship between digital technology and the effects on you know, human relationships and she says we we're losing our face-to-face communication and our human connection because we're texting, we're DMing, et cetera. We're not in face-to-face connection.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what? It's funny? I was having a conversation with my son about this and I can't remember specifically what we were talking about. But he said, you know, because back in the day for us I hope we're talking about clubbing actually. And I said, oh my gosh, I used to love going out, clubbing and like meeting up with friends and et cetera, et cetera. And he's like, nah, I really hate that Right Now, of course, he's 22, about to be 23 and everybody's different, right. But he said, for he feels like for his friends and his generation, they're, they think they're seeing each other all the time, right, because it's all on digital, right.
Speaker 1:And they're constant in a not face to face real life life, but it just seems as if they're connected and so going out again feels like like more right, like oh, but but I just you know what I mean like I don't know if I'm making any sense yeah, but he says it doesn't feel as important, like where he goes. I could see maybe back then. You can't talk all the time. You're not always at each other's, you know yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've heard other young. Yeah, that's really interesting that it feels like, oh well, I just talked to that person, so why would I see them now? Yeah, yeah, I thought that was an interesting way of. Yeah, that's, that is interesting. I mean, do you feel that way? Since we're talking, you know, since we're focused on what people our age are doing, how do you feel about it? Do you feel that?
Speaker 1:no-transcript. Saw you face to face like if I didn't do that with you, it almost seemed like, oh yeah, this is fine, right, that's enough, right. And then, yeah, but no, it's actually. Then you actually physically see the person get to spend the time. That is like it. It's amazing, right. Like no, no, I want to make that sort of effort. That's way different.
Speaker 2:Interesting. Yeah, I think you know this was my again what Susie said. When we worked at a coaching company together, we were all on Zoom. Like everyone was on Zoom and this is pre-pandemic, and I kind of, when we went into the pandemic I kind of loved it.
Speaker 2:I'd never worked in that environment before and I was like, oh look, I have a team Like it really did give me a sense of you know, being with people, I felt like I was prepared for it, whereas I've heard other people who never had that feeling like they never wanted it again, and I was like I could totally, totally do that, I could do that more.
Speaker 2:And and to say, when I met susie, I had to tell her how tall I was and she laughed because she was like like that was going to be a thing. Um, when we met in person, but yeah, it's interesting, I mean, I think all this is interesting. And then I think, do you think those us in this middle age age range where we were kind of we were teens, pre-technology, and so we've, even though we've learned to rely on it, like a lot of other people, most of us, I mean, myself included I can't speak for everybody, but Susie too, I think Do you think we're the leaders in sort of detecking our lives, or do you think young people will do it? I don't sense some of the young people I know. I think they think they have a handle on it, the ones I know.
Speaker 1:Well, so my daughter says that, so her and all her friends. So she just turned 20 and basically her and all her friends say when they have kids they're not allowed phones for a long time.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:Interesting. They are just very much like no, this is terrible. You know, I think they kind of be. Maybe they were that first wave really of just seeing like the Snapchat, like they they're the ones who really that came out when they were in middle school and it wasn't, it wasn't great, like there were a lot of things that they had to. We all had to learn like, oh, like you can really get into trouble using Snapchat and Instagram, and even just the videos and pictures and things you say really matter Right, right, right, and I think they see what damage that can do or at least turn her friends Right. So I'm assuming that's not just them. So it'd be interesting when they do turn parents, like what actually happens. But that's what they're saying right now. Right, interesting, yeah, and like, do I think? Are we the leaders in like de-teching? Is that? What was the other question?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. Do you think we'll be the leaders in de-teching?
Speaker 1:Gosh, you know what I don't? I don't know. I'm not sure about that, and I say that because, because I don't think my kids think I'm cool, right, so like, whatever they're, like, of course you're de-teching. Why would you? Are you even teching?
Speaker 2:Such a nerd thing to do. They're like I think I'm going to de-tech guys and then like the bubble over their head is like why, yeah, aren't you like? Why, yeah, aren't you just on Facebook? Yeah, so don't you always ask for help on how to use this Exactly. Do you know how to even tech? Do you know how to use that? It is not the tech. It is not the Facebook.
Speaker 1:Please stop saying it that way.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:You know, another topic I wanted to bring up around this was I, when I was looking up the dummy phones and that subject. Um wait, can I tell you something funny about the dummy phone.
Speaker 2:Oh, please, so until earlier today in the podcast, when you said dummy verse and you put smart near dummy. That was the first time I realized that it meant the opposite of like, oh, smartphone, dumb phone. Because when you said it to me the other day I just thought dummy, like as in a mock-up of a phone, you know what.
Speaker 1:So now I got it, so I'm slow, no, no, no, it's so funny that you said that because I was just talking to someone at the gym about this morning and he was like so is it like a phone made of wood, like I don't understand. I'm like, maybe I'm just not explaining this, maybe we shouldn't tell that.
Speaker 2:Let's not tell our kids about. Let's not send them this podcast. It's really only for the aged Luddites in the world. I'm joking. I'm joking. I called my husband a Luddite yesterday. I was like dude, can you please learn how to turn your phone off Please? It's like it's buzzing in my pocket. I'm like you're calling people, it's ringing out from your crotch. I mean seriously.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, my husband just did that the other day, like on his way to the bathroom. He's like, oh, I'm sorry I got to go to the bathroom. Why are you video calling me during this time? I know.
Speaker 2:Weird.
Speaker 1:We're weird, all right. So what I did learn is that in I didn't see this happening in the US, but in Australia and the UK there's like this um movement and law. It's called the right to disconnect. So cause I think another thing that happens with our phones is that people are like you because your phone and your information, your emails and the texts are right there. It's almost like they your um coworkers or clients or people assume that you were going to answer them right away or you can get to that right away.
Speaker 1:And the truth is you know nine to five like no please. Yeah, where I'm not, I cut off at this time and I start at this time. So it's called the right to disconnect and there are laws like um, uh, that's fascinating, totally right In Australia and the UK where there's a push to formalize the right to disconnect to protect worker wellbeing and enhance work-life balance.
Speaker 2:Because how many of us had got have gotten an email and then almost responded in reaction like you're flying off the handle, yes, and you press send on that email and then later you're like shit, what did I say? Is that what they meant? I mean, I remember getting an email a few years ago and thinking I read it one way and when I reread it, you know, days later, I went oh, that isn't what they said at all, and it's very difficult because you can press send. It's very difficult to have a boundary there where you're like you know what I'm going to. I have the right to refuse to reply right now. I'll wait until the morning. Yeah, play right now.
Speaker 2:I'll wait until the morning. Yeah, I heard from my daughter something you know about getting you know a message or a DM from someone and not wanting to have it appear, read and not respond right away. Yes, that was a thing, mm-hmm. Have you heard anything like that?
Speaker 1:I have, yeah, totally Like, I mean super interesting, right, like yes, super Okay, you should be allowed the time. Yeah, it's, you know, not even just at work, but I think even with some friends I've had like I'm like super annoyed with you for not answering me right away.
Speaker 2:Like you read it, answer it.
Speaker 1:I read it, but I was still busy right, so it's like exactly yeah, it's fascinating because we just think the phone is like why can't you answer me? You're right there yeah. I can tell you're right there.
Speaker 2:And then all the feelings that are like associated with that, like oh, so-and-so, never replied what does that? Mean, did I do something wrong, you know?
Speaker 1:all of that, I mean oh so much internal dialogue with all that stuff.
Speaker 2:So much I remember case of a funny back to your. You know the laws are the in australia, in the uk, about you know being it being your right as a worker to wait to respond. Um, I had always when, when susie and I were at the, the aforementioned coaching company, we used we we met at we had a policy 24 hours to respond and I remember saying to my daughter she was like in eighth grade I said you know, 24 hours is the ideal response time, right, yeah, you go past that. Then you know not so good, right, yeah, so let's try to. That being said, I've done it before and I've gone way longer, but you know I'm trying to teach this person.
Speaker 2:Let's go with 24 hours. So she's volunteering for a friend of mine and my friend is texting her an adult friend and my friend gets annoyed that she doesn't respond. And I said, well, 24 hours is a proper response time. And she's like, no, Not for texting, she needs to respond right away. And I was like, oh really, Does she Really why?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you have an answer. Did you ask?
Speaker 2:No, it was just I was. I finally went to my kid and I was like you need to respond this person's getting ants in their pants.
Speaker 1:And while I think it's unreasonable, you know she's wanting your answer. I wonder if that's something like. That should be just set up, Like if you're working for someone, like having a conversation beforehand, like oh, that's such a smart thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your expectation for you? What's your?
Speaker 1:expectation Exactly. Yeah, and then by the way like if I can turn off my phones at seven, like is that cool? You know whatever. Yeah, you know five, that's great.
Speaker 2:I mean I'm going to my clients that are on the job hunt. I'm definitely going to suggest that to them because that's really wise, because we maybe ask about a lot of other expectations when we're interviewing or accepting a job. But that might you know, how many days off can I have? Here's how much PTO I need. Want whatever you're trying, depending on your job situation. Getting versus asking. But yeah, what's the expectation around answering?
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, yeah, wow, I never thought about that until just now, but yeah.
Speaker 2:So smart that's easy.
Speaker 1:Also, I do want to give a shout out to. I was just noticing I think there are other countries, but Belgium and Ireland have already established frameworks to support that whole right to disconnect, so they're in it.
Speaker 2:They're doing it, so I think it's so smart.
Speaker 1:They're doing it, so I think it's so smart.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I wanted to bring to your attention and those of you that are out there listening. There's a great book out there. I really love this author. Her name's Catherine Price. I didn't read this book, but I read another one of her books about how to have fun, which was a really fun read. But she wrote a book how to Break Up with your Phone the 30-Day Plan to Take Back your Life. So I just want to give a shout out to that book for anyone that's wanting to maybe be more intentional about the boundaries you set with regard to the use of your phone.
Speaker 2:Putting you in the driver's seat of your phone versus the phone kind of bleeding over the boundary line and taking hold of you. I think of all the neuroscientists and researchers and psychologists and doctors who write on this subject matter. It seems pretty clear that the phones it seems pretty clear that you know we're the phones are are taking some time and energy away from our, our ability to focus on what really matters to us our relationships and being connected. For sure, you know, and it might be time to like practice this, and maybe coming into the holidays is a great time to do something like create your dummy phone. Or Can I put the map on, though, on the dummy phone though, because I really love the map I need to have the map.
Speaker 1:It's not that I yeah.
Speaker 2:It's not that I don't know how to get almost everywhere in my city, but I really love the game. Is it gamifying? I really love the game of finding a new way to get there.
Speaker 1:Oh I find lots of new ways to get places, because I get lost.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, yeah, my daughter will be like mom, we're going to the market and you know how to get there and I'm like I know. I just want to know if there's a way to get there that's like a minute or two faster, that maybe doesn't have traffic oh, that's your game.
Speaker 2:Okay, I live in a big city where there's traffic almost all the time, you know so yeah, um, but it's pretty clear from what the all these experts are saying is that you know the phone, the socials are limiting our ability to focus, to get great sleep, to engage deeply with you, know the world around us and especially connect in our relationships.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I do want to also add um. There is a website called minimalist phonecom. I don't know that will help you. Just take a look and to like give you some guidance around making your phone minimalist. Right, I might try that. That will help you. Just take a look and to like give you some guidance around making your phone minimalist Right.
Speaker 2:Oh, I might try that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's also Techopedia, mm. Hmm, hopda Dot.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:That also gives like some suggestions as well. So go check those websites out and see if there's some tips in there. But I was also thinking like for those of you that might be like I'm not addicted.
Speaker 1:I would say, just challenge yourself. If you took off like one of the social medias and just see, like what you do, like how you actually respond. Because I was thinking like if I just took off Instagram because I do like those reels, like what I go, what would you do with that? What would you do with that? Like something's?
Speaker 2:missing, then what would I do with that? What would you do with that time Like?
Speaker 1:something's missing, then what would I do with that time? And if I'm not allowed to like, maybe go on for seven days, like what actually happens?
Speaker 2:Do I die? No, we know that that does not happen, so let's just take that one off the table.
Speaker 1:I'd be like I think I'm going to die.
Speaker 2:YouTube, I'd be like I think I'm going to die. Another thing to do is would be to do if you're thinking you're not, if you're one of those people that are, you know, interested in your personal growth, for example, and willing to like, try something, to engage. Willing to engage, not Suzy, but willing to engage with, like, am I or am I not? I think one cool thing to do would be to pay attention to how you feel before, during and after that's picking up your phone. So, like, actually tapping into your feelings. Did I pick it up because I'm bored? Did I pick it up because I'm lonely? Am I anxious To really get centered on the emotion? Yeah, and once you discover the emotions that were maybe numbing with the use of the phone, that's going to give you another thread of information, yep, um, to understand like, oh, maybe this is a thing, maybe this isn't a thing, you know. I think that could be a good first step for a lot of people who are on the fence, because I'm probably one of those people that, like I, get bored.
Speaker 2:I do get bored of it yeah and get like before phones and social media when it came to the internet every once in a while, because I love research and just info, info, info, which is keeping me not in the present and I would look at my husband and be like, okay.
Speaker 1:I'm done with the internet.
Speaker 2:I've seen all it has to give me it's over Click Done. So I do feel like I get to a boredom place sometimes with the phone, but I use it and I'm probably one of those people that's like, yeah, it's not doing any of those things like keeping me addicted away from my family, et cetera, but maybe it is.
Speaker 1:Well, to that point I was thinking. Maybe you should also ask the people in your lives.
Speaker 2:Is this actually?
Speaker 1:distracting our relationship, right? Like, do you? Are you noticing it taking away from us, right? So that would be a great question to ask all your close people and then for those of you like, for those that say yes, then like even around that person, maybe it's when you turn it off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, good point, good point, yeah, oh, this was an interesting topic.
Speaker 1:I loved it.
Speaker 2:I loved it, so are we going to take it on. What do we think? You know what I am going to take off the Instagram. What are you going to do?
Speaker 1:I'm going to take off the Instagram for a week and just see what happens. Okay, starting when, starting tomorrow. Okay, you're going to check back in with us. Well, I was thinking I should maybe answer the people and then I'll check in. Okay, yeah, whatever's there, and then I'll just then, yeah, bow out for now.
Speaker 2:Very good, yeah, what about you? You could put a post up there too. You could be like I'm out, I'm out for seven days. Yeah, be back in a week with Intel. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then what about?
Speaker 2:you. I'm going to ask my people. Oh, good one. Okay, yeah, perfect. I'm going to ask my people and then I don't know, I would like my people to do this kind of thing with me and my people that is my family, um, but I know that they won't. So I maybe have to if I ask them how my phone usage, uh, impacts them, maybe it, maybe, you know, maybe it'll catch flame, we'll see what happens, but that's what I'm gonna do all right and we will report in what happens.
Speaker 2:If you read on your phone I do, I read books on my phone. Is that for another day? Is that for?
Speaker 1:another podcast. Okay, I think all right all right. Thanks for hanging out with us on getting used to it if today made you laugh, think or just feel a little less alone, then we've done our job. See you next time, because if we're getting used to it, you can too.