Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used to It, Midlife is a show hosted by two executive life coaches, Beth & Suzee, who are also expert friends and are both getting used to midlife. From empty nesting and aging parents to painful sex, and let’s not forget the extra lubrication, we will sift through all of it, speaking our truth faithfully and vulnerably. Listen as we live through this in ourselves and our relationships in real time and tease through the “how to” of this next phase of life. As coaches, we have the tools, but as women in the middle, we may not have all the answers. Scratch that— we’ll have some damn good ideas, too. Join us, and let’s get used to it together!
Getting used to it, Midlife
Getting Used To It: Get Ready to Crush Your Goals: The Life-Changing Secrets in Clearer, Closer, Better Revealed!
Can the way we perceive the world around us truly shape our paths? Join us for an intriguing exploration as we discuss Dr. Emily Balcetis' insights from her book "Clearer, Closer, Better." We will delve into how psychological science and practical life applications intertwine. Learn how to translate visionary ideas into actionable steps and maintain the momentum needed to achieve your goals.
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Stay connected, stay curious, and we’ll see you next time!
like scared. I'm not ready.
Speaker 2:Hey Beth Halper.
Speaker 1:Susie, how are you doing today?
Speaker 2:I'm doing okay. I have a little thing, a little tickle in my throat thing, so I've got a little bit of a issue with that. So I might be a little bit more quiet, which, you know, that could be a good thing for everybody, don't worry.
Speaker 1:I've got it covered. I'll get it all said it's true, susie's here, don't you worry.
Speaker 1:So today on the podcast, we're talking about a book that Susie brought to my attention a couple of months ago Both of us. She had read it, then she reread it. I've now read it. The title of the book is Clearer, Closer, better, by Dr Emily Balchettis. Emily Balchettis, it talks about perception, basically yes, and how perceptions shape our experiences and influence our decision making. And you know, susie and I are both life coaches, and from time to time we do spend a chunk of our time not just from time to time. We do spend a chunk of our time reviewing, investigating, reading other people's work, whether it be in the neuroscience field, psychology I know you're heavily into the stoic, susie, and so we spend a lot of time trying to learn and build so that when we are in session with our clients, we're able to bring them a potpourri of perspectives.
Speaker 1:Yeah, potpourri of perspectives? Yeah, so I wanted to ask I wanted to start with asking Susie, um why and if you, if you're feeling um up to it why you? Why you chose this book. Like how did this book not why you chose it, but how did this book kind of float up to the top of your pile?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What about it?
Speaker 2:I mean what about it? Well, I saw her being interviewed number one on Andrew Huberman, so I don't know if you guys have heard of this man.
Speaker 1:Most likely, If you know, susie, there's a deep interest in Huberman.
Speaker 2:Yes, there is, we'll just keep it at that. So, watching Huberman, she was shh, don't tell the husband, she was on there and I just really loved how. She Loved how she tied together the science and the real world worlds together. Real life worlds right, talking about combining, like her, psychological science with real life application basically, and to get like science based tools was really cool. Right For what? For what we do and yeah.
Speaker 2:And the fact that she was using it on herself as well in the book as she was teaching, you know. I thought that was really cool. She's like wait, that one didn't work actually. So then I tried this other thing, and I just love that. It was very. It seemed like a very honest approach as well, so that's what I loved about it Interesting.
Speaker 1:And what Susie's pointing to is that, if you do pick up this book, dr Belchettis uses herself as an example, as a metaphor, throughout the book. Uses herself as an example, as a metaphor, throughout the book and she, she um, wraps the science around a goal she's trying to set for herself, which is to was it it wasn't just to yeah, learn how to play drums, but also drums performance. She wanted to, yeah, she wanted to perform.
Speaker 2:She found a piece that she was gonna play. I mean, it was adorable. She like invited people, she did a bunch of things and then she was like, oh no, what did I just do? And then she, basically the rest of the book is her, um, her journey, yeah, on from day one to the performance.
Speaker 1:I love how bright, I mean, I love how brave she is because, how many of us have said I think you know what I'm really into I really want to be an olive oil connoisseur, you know, and then, you know, we tell people, or sometimes we just say it to ourselves and then we do nothing. Right, yeah, taking something that matters and actually learning to do it, no matter how good or bad you are. Yes, right.
Speaker 2:Yes, totally. Love that and then that layer of her science Right and it's like, ah, she was her own research Right, so exactly.
Speaker 1:Exactly, it was great. And Susie is big on the science. That's Andrew Huberman, who's also big on the science. I'm a fan of science and she leans on a few different studies in this book ranging from 2006 to 2013, one of them being her own, and, like Susie said, she's like her own test pool through this. And, like Susie said, she's like her own test pool through this book. So let's first talk about like the first chunk of the book is really about the science of perception and bias, right and how, our perspective and about our perspectives, and can we truly rely on what we see as being the truth.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, yeah, on what we see as being the truth right yeah yeah, one of the things in doing the research for this.
Speaker 1:I had seen one of her ted talks I don't a ted talk I'm not sure if she had more than one, and one of the things she says in the ted talk is that which just this is horses versus humans. People humans take in with their eyes about 10% of detail, yet we almost solely rely on our eyes to tell us the truth, Whereas horses, their field of vision is 70% bigger than ours, which is crazy Like they really are doing a better job than we are. That was something that really kind of blew my mind about it. Yeah, and I think she even in this in the book she talks about how our eyes play tricks on us and that it's the way our brain interprets what we see that distorts our perception, and that's how we there are missed opportunities because of that in our life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, I mean, I read that part too, but for some reason it's hitting me more right now. Just, can you imagine like I feel, like I'm looking at, like my perception is much bigger than just that 10%. But when we're goal setting and then we become scared or whatever like it does we, we do get probably more narrow focused, even not just visually, but even in our minds too Right, which I think she also talks about psychologically as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I can't imagine having 70% like another, 60% more field of vision, right, that's, that's amazing.
Speaker 1:Completely, yeah, yeah, one of the things I saw again, this was not in the book, but she in the Ted talk. She shows a video and it's in a court case. It's a officer and someone he's apprehended and they've got radar trained on people's eyes so they're picking up you know, not radar, but like infrared or something they're picking up where your eyes are showing up on the screen as you watch this video clip and when you first see it it looks very much slanted in one direction. It looks very much slanted in one direction and then she tells the group to focus their sight on another place, which is the. You know, go from officer to the person he's apprehending and train your eyes there and you see something completely different going on. It completely changes how you view the whole scene and if you think about that, it really the visual there really gives you the sense of how much you miss just in every day. Just in every day, how much you miss.
Speaker 2:And it's funny that we will cling to our stories. No, I saw that it's like no, but did we?
Speaker 1:Yeah, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the truth is, if we can broaden our perspective or just that vision, it's like wow, you could take in so much more information and probably make better choices. But we have to. But the truth, like I didn't know that but until reading this book. So now you know, I'm open to maybe thinking that I'm not seeing things correctly, Right, so that I, if something's not working and again, this is to be tied to our goals, right, and whatever it is we're aiming to do, if something's not working, then we may need to change our perspective and do something a different way.
Speaker 1:Right, and I think I don't know about you, but like when we're trying to get our clients to change their perspective, I think, until we really know that what our eyes see is not really reality and that what we often take as the truth is based on our experiences, which are also biased, and our memories also biased, because we see so little in terms of detail, we see so little in terms of detail. Yeah, it would be difficult to just say to a client like, well, let's take in other perspectives. That must be, I mean, and we do do this, but that must be after reading this book, that must be. If I were a client and my coach said that to me, I might push back on that and think, but I am seeing everything, unless I really see the science here where we don't Right.
Speaker 2:Right, absolutely. You know, that's where I feel like, um, that's a reason for working with a coach to see other perspectives, actually Right. So and not just my clients but even me, to be open to the fact that, wow, I may just be missing something.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, yeah, completely. She moves on in the book from this perception visual perception, how what we see is not necessarily the truth into goal setting and achieving, and how our biases and preconceptions from what we have seen impact how we are able to set a goal, motivate ourselves toward it, stick to it. That can get out from underneath us because of our visual deficiencies, because of our perceptions being so, um, being so stuck in them and and not being open to other ways and visions. Yeah, totally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally, totally yeah. I love that she tied this to vision, like who knew right? Like okay, wow, that's such a big piece of course of goal setting and, um, I think she even talked about dream boards, vision boards, right, and I, you know, I love making myself a vision board, right, cause it's fun, she's like. That doesn't always work. Because it's fun, she's like that doesn't always work.
Speaker 1:Why don't you think it always works?
Speaker 2:Well, I didn't say that I thought it was working, but no, the truth is I am not actually sure that it was working. For me it was just fun to put it together, put something like a collage and like kind of think about I think it. For me I believe it's fun to start the journey, Right. But a lot of what she said I was like, yeah, that is actually what happens, right, because you get used to seeing that that vision board it becomes basically we forget about, like a piece of furniture. You know what I mean? It's just sits in the same place. We just start to ignore that the board, right, it starts to blend into the background and it's no longer useful right, it's not a useful tool anymore.
Speaker 2:So the truth is like if you really want that vision board to work, you should be moving it, like you know, in a new place to like actually catch your eye's attention.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, I hear what you're saying, that you know. Know, after a while we stop seeing what's in front of us, right? So, and I could see, I can see your viewpoint on a vision board. I'm not much of a collager, but some people are very visual so. I could really see that. That, you know, could feel like a step or steps towards a goal. But for what? What falls through on a vision board is okay. I can see all these things, but how do I make them happen?
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, for sure. That's like to me, that's like the next step. And then the vision board is like the fun part of like what is it Right, what is it that I want to do? So it starts that Right. And then it's like, okay, now what? Which? Basically that's kind of where she goes to next in her book too, right, so, exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love how she then took the goal, like okay, so we're going to make some clear and specific goals. How are we going going to do that? One of the things I loved and and it's everywhere and you, when we talked about this beforehand, you even said well, I do that all the time. But like, still having it have a name which is narrow focus really just really stuck with me, even though I maybe done it before too which is is like, for example, you're running and and and that you know and you're like okay, I just have to make it to that neon sign, I just have to pass the person in pink I just have to you know it's like, gives you a structure to motivate you past where you think you can go.
Speaker 2:Yep, exactly. And I was thinking about, like, where else do I do that? Once, long ago, when I was a violinist, I would have to memorize pages upon pages of music and it would be like measure at a time, right. So I it would be super narrow and I'm just working on these four notes, that measure, that's it, right. Um, and then I would just build oh wow, I've got two measures now. Build from there, I got three measures now. So it had to be like that. And she also says like setting like small goals right, instead of feeling like it's a big goal too. So instead of thinking like you're running, right, this marathon, and you're thinking I shoot and I've got to get to that 26th mile, we're just going to go one mile at a time. Got to pass that person in pink, you got to get to that tree, right, that kind of thing, yeah.
Speaker 2:I love that, but definitely something we were doing and I love that she kind of like, yeah, allowed it, like yes, yes, it's called something that is a way to do it. It has a name.
Speaker 1:I've been doing something right. It's branded Susie Narrow focus. It's branded. I mean, I use it with my clients when I say you know someone's embarking on something and they're just like they. You know, I'm like just do it for five minutes. It's just five minutes a day, even if you just open it up, put your timer on for five minutes and stare at it for five minutes and don't enter into whatever it is. You know, is it lifting a weight? Is it learning a program on the computer? Is it writing a book? You know, it's just keep it small. But she says you can't keep it too small.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And then she goes on to what she calls wide bracketing, which is focus wide and far off. So it's, it's. There's a duality. In other words, like if you take a marathon into consideration, you're going mile by mile, but you got to know it's going to be I'm going to make it to 26. Mm, hmm, yeah, right, right, yeah. And one thing she said that I really liked, which was resist. You know, she uses the example of saving for retirement. There's up and down, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, and and not. And she suggests we do not get stuck in looking at it with narrow focus, like, for example, you're saving your for your retirement, you can't watch the stock market every single day and ride that wave. You have to know and resist making decisions on the daily in a situation like that, because things are going to change in three weeks or a month or whatever.
Speaker 2:Totally, yeah. No, it's like um, it's just smart, right. It's like right, Go ahead. Were you about to say something?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was going to say so many of us do. I mean, I know even people do that with when they're trying to lose weight. You know you weigh yourself today. It's going to be different tomorrow. It doesn't mean that. You know. If you're up tomorrow it doesn't mean that what you lost the day before is gone. We need to look at it over a week.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:Yep, exactly, completely Right.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I mean, I think sometimes, yeah, that sounds like micro vision, right it's like it's a little too much, yeah, and riding that roller coaster could make you greasy in so many things, so many ways.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And then she goes on to have some helpful tips like framing. You know, for example, yeah, you want to start exercising, like, leave your clothes out by your bed. I remember I once had a client. I was like put the clothes on the floor, so you must trip over the clothes on the way. You know that framing is like oh right, that's the goal I'm going for today. I'm going to work out first thing in the morning. I'm, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's interesting, right, like everybody needs to. Really, this is where people need to kind of hone in on what really helps them and like, like we have all these examples, but which one's really going to help you? I don't know why. When you said that, it made me think of the treadmill that kind of sits in people's rooms and becomes a division board and then it disappears.
Speaker 2:But they think they're putting it somewhere where they're going to run into each time. So okay, so that's not working. So now, like, what else do you need to do, right? And maybe it is like then you put your clothes then right on the floor in front of you, right? So is that going to be the thing? So all all of this is like it's not going to be instant, like do they all work? Maybe not, but that you, we have to go and try these things and see which ones do work. And that's what I also love about this book is it's chock full of information and different ways we can um make the goals happen.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I remember she said something about push goals and pull goals, push and pull things to do. Like some things we are just like pushed. We were like pushed externally, like we have to do it, like maybe for work, like we were pushed into having to do things. So those the goals, the goals are easier to get to just because you have to, by external pressures, do things. But there's also pull, like your pull towards doing something a certain way, and I like I think that's very important as far as like remembering like you might have your own way of getting pulled into that goal that you're wanting to achieve. So we should listen out for that as well, right, because the truly we know best.
Speaker 1:Right. Internally we know best yeah, we do, yeah, right, yeah, and that was a long way to say that, but no, that's really interesting.
Speaker 1:I don't remember that part of the book. I'm going to go back and check that out. You know, some of the other things that we also do with our clients which she talks about is, you know, materializing the goal. So, like leaving the clothes out, putting it on your calendar or your to do list, how do we make sure we get it done? I would even add to that having someone, whether it be a coach or a friend, someone that you are accountable to, someone, whether it be a coach or a friend, someone that you are accountable to, because when it's just your eyes on your prize, ie your goal, sometimes you might be the first one to let yourself off the hook.
Speaker 2:All the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so how do we make sure that we get out of that stuck place and move it, move ourselves more towards our goals sometimes accountability yeah, absolutely, I think a lot of times accountability I just went on a trip to bend oregon for three weeks and I had, prior to that, I did a gr like I feel like I did a great job in like working out and like being on top of my nutrition and I was gonna be gone for three weeks. I was like, shoot, like what I might, like this might now on all unravel, and I told the gym owner that I'm just going to be texting him every day, right? So I had to like be vulnerable and then just say it, and then I had to do it. I could have said oops, forgot, or whatever, right. So I had to like be vulnerable and then just say it, and then I had to do it. I could have said oops, forgot, or whatever, right. But then I did.
Speaker 2:And then, about a week and a half into it, I was like I'm not wanting to, right. But then I was feeling like it worked out really well because I was like I'd be so embarrassed if I didn't do this anymore. Right, like it, he didn't even have to do anything. I just for myself. I was like, wow, like that accountability piece, like it does a great job for me at least. Like to um gosh, I want to say, does that hook me into like people pleasing or something, not people, but I'm like, wow, I'm just really wanting to make sure like I'm not embarrassed by not doing what I said I was going to do.
Speaker 1:Wow, I'm just really wanting to make sure like I'm not embarrassed by not doing what I said I was going to do? Yeah, and were you accountable to him? Like I'm keeping my food, you know I'm eating. Well, today I'm exercising. Is that what it was? Nope.
Speaker 2:It was just like. This is what I did for a workout, because we have the workouts at the gym. I actually signed up at a gym when I was there. If I wasn't there then I was on a big hike Like I. I just made sure I was moving all the time, but intentionally, Okay. So that's. That's basically what I did, you know. But the fact that I had the accountability buddy, I was checking in and then it took some effort. I hit a wall a little bit, just kind of kept pushing through, and I have to tell you it came back a half a pound less okay yeah, all right, so it it worked there, it worked there.
Speaker 2:Let's just write that right.
Speaker 1:I like it but yes accountability buddies very important yeah, yeah, I know I um. Yeah, accountability is super helpful because we let ourselves off the hook all the time and we've always got great excuses that we believe.
Speaker 2:100 yes, yeah, or we'll just let ourselves off the hook. Yeah, that's it Exactly.
Speaker 1:Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was going to say some of what is really you know, some of what she adds in here into the book is to see, you know, obviously, visual perception, see things more clearly. Um, she offers some helpful techniques to challenge our assumptions. We talked about that earlier. You know, how did? How do you see differently, how do you challenge your perceptions? And she suggests mindfulness, feedback from others, alternate viewpoints. But again, that's great, but if you don't even realize that you see things in such a in such limited ways, how do you get there? You know, aside from, like we said earlier, with a coach, Right, or a friend or right, like.
Speaker 1:Exactly, I can't.
Speaker 2:that's what I think the whole buddy system is so great, right?
Speaker 1:yeah, I can almost see doing this, doing something like this daily, like was there anything you could have seen differently today? Like actually challenging yourself, like did you, you know? Right? Yeah?
Speaker 2:totally um, I mean like almost like having like a journal prompt every day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I know you love a journal that's a great.
Speaker 2:I love a good journal yeah, she does.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that would be a great journal prompt, like what you know, what could you have seen slightly differently today? Yeah, is there anything?
Speaker 2:especially about the goals that you're working on right what, what I have done yeah yeah, did I do the thing? And if not, what? Why?
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, one of the things I find so interesting I'm I'm taking a course on how to make friends in adulthood and I really want to take this course, this, and you know, every day I put it off and then finally yesterday I outed myself to someone that's accountability and I outed myself to my daughter and then I just turned it on and then when I had to stop doing the thing I said I wanted to do but was putting it off, I was bummed because it was so interesting.
Speaker 2:Anyways.
Speaker 1:You're like why did I wait so long? I know Exactly, but that's so great though.
Speaker 2:Well then, that's the thing it's you've got to be. I think there's a word like there's vulnerability that comes from this too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, with that accountability.
Speaker 2:You really do and I think that's why it's so powerful, right. And then, once you do, you do. And I think that's why it's so powerful, right?
Speaker 1:It's because, and then, once you do, then it's like, oh, you kind of break through that wall Right, yeah, a hundred percent. How many times have you had a client that said, oh yeah, I did my homework when they didn't Cause, but yet had they said I didn't do my homework, and here's why that?
Speaker 2:level of vulnerability.
Speaker 1:Exactly, yep. One thing I know you really loved about this book and I'm going to bring it up here um, yes, please, was that in the planning and the thinking more clearly. Um, and I think I know where you're going the dreaming big, the you know, planning concretely is failure.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Where does failure come in?
Speaker 2:I love failure. I do it often, but the truth is we learn a lot from it. That's number one. But the reason why I like this topic a lot is because it has to do with stoicism, which, like Beth said, I do love that and the whole foreshadowing full failure piece of it. And stoicism they talk about memento mori, which is remember that you die so like and there's obstacles the way, so you kind of look at the negative and then you want to plan around it. So again, we know ourselves, we know where we typically stumble like. So why not just go ahead and prepare for that Right, and that way, like it's a little, it's makes it even harder to fail right, you're really taking care of yourselves in all, all the ways right, and it's totally okay.
Speaker 1:It's very holistic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so like, why not just tell the truth about it? It's like typically, like I want to lose weight, but then the holidays come and then I'm like I eat everything and then I feel bad, and then like, then I'm off the rails, and then I keep coming up with the same excuse until January, right? So if we know that, then why not let's go ahead and prepare right way ahead of time? For this to set up, set ourselves up for success, Right, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:Plus we learn from failure.
Speaker 2:Like I said in the beginning, we learned learn.
Speaker 1:I've been learning from that the funny thing is we hate failing like if you bring that up to someone oh, I hate failing but, yet we do every day. I mean, there's we, we just do.
Speaker 2:I mean, we're human beings yeah, but nobody likes to talk about it.
Speaker 1:um. So just to think back over the course of this conversation and some key takeaways, it's really a mix of strategies when we're stuck and I think in this book, clearer, closer, better she gives you a good toolbox of strategies that you can implement to get and achieve your goals. That you can implement to get and achieve your goals. Some of what I like was the reframing of the goals. You know the mix of narrow and broad. I really liked what you said just now, which was like bringing in our failures when we think about how to get where we want to go. Like bringing in our failures when we think about how to get where we want to go, anything. She also goes on to like seeing the goal, seeing the potential obstacles which I just mentioned, visualizing success and then, every now and again, change your location If it's not working, change your surroundings, change where you sit, change the color the light.
Speaker 2:I love that yeah the mood.
Speaker 1:Brighter light is more energizing. How many times have we heard that? But these are some of the things we can do when we're up against ourselves in the chase of a goal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she says, um, she has this uh strategy. She calls make it hard to quit, oh yep. And so I feel like that's she. This book is like all these tools, and then you get to it. So now you're like, um, you've got this toolbox and read her strategies and then use the strategies, the ones that work best for you, so in order to make it hard for you to quit, Right? So I hope you guys read this book. I loved it. I loved it.
Speaker 1:So today we've been talking on getting used to it, uh, about the book clearer, closer, better by Emily Balchettis. Thanks for listening, thank you.